The past few days, I’ve been feeling a lot—but not in a positive way. You know how you feel things but don’t exactly know what you’re feeling? Not sad, but not happy either. That’s exactly what it feels like standing in the grey area. I’m mostly uncertain about a lot of things: myself, my life, my choices, my path, my friends, and my family. The only I’m most certain of is my creator.
I’ve been watching so many people for the last years, and I listened to them for most of the time. Each opinion I’ve heard but none of them seemed interested to know what’s mine. So I keep asking myself: why wasn’t I talented enough? Why am I mediocre? Why can’t I do things good?
All these people surrounding me have at least one thing they’re good at. I mean, there’s at least one thing I should be really good at doing, right? But I don’t. And as much as I want to say and believe people who tell me that I have—I don’t. And that’s the truth. For twenty years, I’ve been trying to find that one thing but to no avail.
My voice isn’t angelic, the sound of the piano keys don’t echo across the room when I press it, the vibrant colors of my artworks are all but dull, and in everything that I do, I think there’s always something lacking; something that doesn’t fit. So I try to hold on to words and maybe if I have enough, people would know me. For the things I write, for the poems I make, and for all the emotions I keep bottled inside.
People don’t understand it when all you have are mediocre talents. Like you can paint but you need a guide to make everything look pleasing to the eyes; you can sing but not be able to touch other people’s hearts; you can be good but not good enough that people remember you for it. It’s frustrating… and depressing—not being able to afford to be known for something you’re truly good at.
And while I try to hold on to words—mine and others who inspire me—I try to stop my soul from sinking in a deep hole because when I do, I know no one would rescue. In the end, I’ll still be rescuing myself. In the end, it’s still going to be my fault why I sank in that hole. And I wish more people would understand that it’s not that I just don’t see my capabilities. I can actually see it. It’s just that it’s not enough.. for me, or for anyone.