Hundreds and thousands of things had been in my mind throughout the day. You called and told me to come to your house because you wanted to see me and spend some time with me. There, we talked about the most mundane things to the most important ones. I haven’t felt the weariness that I have felt before coming to you. The day ended too fast meaning I have to go home, but you didn’t let me. You told me to stay and sleep there instead. I said yes, too tired to argue.
I rested on your bed after fixing myself, stared at your plain white ceiling trying to answer questions that had been running in my head – why did I come here with just one phone call? Why am I too tired to go home? The questions I keep asking myself are leading me to the highest heights of denial.
I miss you, yet can’t bring myself to admit it.
How many times did I wish to lay down with someone I love? How many times did I daydream about staying up until four in the morning talking about things? How many times did I ask myself the same questions over and over again?
You lied down beside me and stared at your ceiling too. We talked and talked until you finally fell asleep, faster than what I imagined. I stared at your face – your lashes, your brows, your lips. Everything about you is mesmerizing and I can’t help but smile at myself.
I turned my back from you, trying to keep my feelings to myself. I can’t seem to be sleepy even after a tiring day because my body is fully aware that you are lying beside me. Then you wrapped your arms around me. I closed my eyes trying to savor the moment for I know it won’t last long. You were asleep and you didn’t know what you were doing. I was awake and I know exactly what I’m feeling.
It’s not shiver, no butterflies flying in my stomach, no wobbly knees, and no stomach churning moment. It feels like I have finally found my place in the world; like a body adjusting to the ocean’s warm temperature, like a child on her first airplane ride, like a lost girl found her way back home – except that his embrace was a place where another girl is destined to be.
It’s not me. And it will never be me, because it’s like saying the sun can shine at night, like polar bears can live in Africa, like a child will never age.
And even after all this time, I still lie on my bed, trying to recall the same feeling there was when your arms wrapped around my body; when our souls collided with one pure innocent hug; when you whispered ‘Is this okay?’ making me realize that you were awake; when my heart started beating loose and I wasn’t sure if you can hear it too.
Then the sun shone and I had to go. And all I was left with are the memories I have when I was lying next to you.