Falling Into Hell-hole

Ambivert Life

This day sucked the living hope inside of me. I’m exhausted and tired but I can’t think of anyone to talk to. I wanted to cry so bad just to lift off some feelings inside my chest–and so I did. But it didn’t made me feel anything but empty. With few months left–literally few, i’ll be calling myself a full pledged adult. I didn’t tell anyone about me beating myself up with the thought; that I was shit scared of all this and I didn’t know how to do any of this. But I’m closing my eyes and taking the fall because that’s what I’m supposed to do.

Yesterday, I was high from signing my first official job ever. I’m stoked because at least I can save up and do what I want. I can treat my family at least to a decent dinner, or even to a tube of ice cream they like. I spent the whole day telling people close to me that I got to sign the deal. I didn’t care that it was judt a “mere” book specialist position because, to be honest, who cares? I was going to make money. And I was still an undergraduate so thank you for accepting me.

I wanted so bad to share the joy within me to my family but to no avail, I got home and everything from then on went wrong. I feel ridiculed for my choices and the pressure that I put on to myself was pushed even further by the disappointing look my mom gave me. I thought I did something to be proud of. I thought it was a good idea. Yet, the moment they started questioning me, I also start doubting myself and the choices I made.

My choices felt wrong and I got even more scared. I was so scared of failing them considering that I wasn’t and had not been a good daughter. I was so scared of facing the consequences when originally, I even dared it. I was so scared of not being good enough. I was so scared, and I still am.

I feel like trapped inside my own dreams; scared of the burning passion to learn inside of me. I look forward to so much more but I keep on thinking this might be the end. I’m so scared of getting trapped into a hell hole of money making. And while I was so scared of it all, my horror slowly comes alive as I gradually acknowledge the fact that I’ll be staying on the ground with my feet chained while I watch every body fly.

I was scared, and I still am.

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I wish I’m good at something

Ambivert Life, Family, Relationship, Teens, Writings

The past few days, I’ve been feeling a lot—but not in a positive way. You know how you feel things but don’t exactly know what you’re feeling? Not sad, but not happy either. That’s exactly what it feels like standing in the grey area. I’m mostly uncertain about a lot of things: myself, my life, my choices, my path, my friends, and my family. The only I’m most certain of is my creator.

I’ve been watching so many people for the last years, and I listened to them for most of the time. Each opinion I’ve heard but none of them seemed interested to know what’s mine. So I keep asking myself: why wasn’t I talented enough? Why am I mediocre? Why can’t I do things good?

All these people surrounding me have at least one thing they’re good at. I mean, there’s at least one thing I should be really good at doing, right? But I don’t. And as much as I want to say and believe people who tell me that I have—I don’t. And that’s the truth. For twenty years, I’ve been trying to find that one thing but to no avail.

My voice isn’t angelic, the sound of the piano keys don’t echo across the room when I press it, the vibrant colors of my artworks are all but dull, and in everything that I do, I think there’s always something lacking; something that doesn’t fit. So I try to hold on to words and maybe if I have enough, people would know me. For the things I write, for the poems I make, and for all the emotions I keep bottled inside.

People don’t understand it when all you have are mediocre talents. Like you can paint but you need a guide to make everything look pleasing to the eyes; you can sing but not be able to touch other people’s hearts; you can be good but not good enough that people remember you for it. It’s frustrating… and depressing—not being able to afford to be known for something you’re truly good at.

And while I try to hold on to words—mine and others who inspire me—I try to stop my soul from sinking in a deep hole because when I do, I know no one would rescue. In the end, I’ll still be rescuing myself. In the end, it’s still going to be my fault why I sank in that hole. And I wish more people would understand that it’s not that I just don’t see my capabilities. I can actually see it. It’s just that it’s not enough.. for me, or for anyone.

lost love

Entertainment, Leisure, poem, Relationship, Romance, Writings

The sound of your voice brings me comfort I never knew existed. We barely see each other and we only get to hang out after months or years of not seeing each other. But we talk. We talk about so many things; our problems, the universe, celebrities, politics, songs—almost… just almost about everything.

I fell in love with the way you see the world.
Your eyes hold so much more than what people can see when they look at you.
Your voice—it’s soothing that it can utter words so kind the entirety of human existence can come clean from all the bullshits it has.
Your hair, disarrayed after you’ve lain in your bed for most of the time looks so good that I badly wanted to run my fingers on it again and again.
Your lips that hang slightly open as you listen to what I say make me want to nibble it so bad.

I fell in love with the way people treat you like someone so strong yet so soft.
Your words can go harsh for as long as you want but your heart shines through it the moment we talk about all the things you love.
Your breath that smells mint and smoke got me intoxicated and nearly drowning.
Your hands—rough and soft, ran through mine nonchalantly that it sent shivers down to my spine and you weren’t aware of the effect you have on me.

Four Seasons – A poem

Entertainment, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

I was waiting for you
Until the sun shone,
The people flocked on the beach,
And my hopes were all dried up

I was waiting for you
Until the drizzle came,
Turned into a hurricane,
Wiped all my tears away

I was waiting for you
Until the leaves fell,
The ground brown and well,
But I was alone and much couldn’t tell

I was waiting for you
Until the first snow fell
Christmas carols were everywhere
Yet my hands were cold with my heart freezing with sadness

I was done waiting for you
Then all of a sudden
You were there

Now I’m Letting You Know

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.