This day sucked the living hope inside of me. I’m exhausted and tired but I can’t think of anyone to talk to. I wanted to cry so bad just to lift off some feelings inside my chest–and so I did. But it didn’t made me feel anything but empty. With few months left–literally few, i’ll be calling myself a full pledged adult. I didn’t tell anyone about me beating myself up with the thought; that I was shit scared of all this and I didn’t know how to do any of this. But I’m closing my eyes and taking the fall because that’s what I’m supposed to do.
Yesterday, I was high from signing my first official job ever. I’m stoked because at least I can save up and do what I want. I can treat my family at least to a decent dinner, or even to a tube of ice cream they like. I spent the whole day telling people close to me that I got to sign the deal. I didn’t care that it was judt a “mere” book specialist position because, to be honest, who cares? I was going to make money. And I was still an undergraduate so thank you for accepting me.
I wanted so bad to share the joy within me to my family but to no avail, I got home and everything from then on went wrong. I feel ridiculed for my choices and the pressure that I put on to myself was pushed even further by the disappointing look my mom gave me. I thought I did something to be proud of. I thought it was a good idea. Yet, the moment they started questioning me, I also start doubting myself and the choices I made.
My choices felt wrong and I got even more scared. I was so scared of failing them considering that I wasn’t and had not been a good daughter. I was so scared of facing the consequences when originally, I even dared it. I was so scared of not being good enough. I was so scared, and I still am.
I feel like trapped inside my own dreams; scared of the burning passion to learn inside of me. I look forward to so much more but I keep on thinking this might be the end. I’m so scared of getting trapped into a hell hole of money making. And while I was so scared of it all, my horror slowly comes alive as I gradually acknowledge the fact that I’ll be staying on the ground with my feet chained while I watch every body fly.
I was scared, and I still am.