Entertainment, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Four Seasons – A poem

I was waiting for you
Until the sun shone,
The people flocked on the beach,
And my hopes were all dried up

I was waiting for you
Until the drizzle came,
Turned into a hurricane,
Wiped all my tears away

I was waiting for you
Until the leaves fell,
The ground brown and well,
But I was alone and much couldn’t tell

I was waiting for you
Until the first snow fell
Christmas carols were everywhere
Yet my hands were cold with my heart freezing with sadness

I was done waiting for you
Then all of a sudden
You were there

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Photography

My Film Camera (yay!)

I actually promised to immediately blog my first film camera ever but (as usual) I didn’t. I honestly had a lot of time since then but I opted to rest instead. There are even times when I would finally open my laptop and blog about it but I always end up doing and checking other things instead. I can still remember that I bought my camera October 1, 2016, Saturday. I know because my nephew was born the day before.

Anyway, I originally opted to buy online from a trusted seller. I already reserved the camera I wanted to buy but when I texted Mang Danny, one of the few sellers of film cameras in Hidalgo, he told me that there were new cameras delivered to him. I immediately told my cousin the news and he said that we should go take a look at it and see what fortune we have. Right after my Saturday class, we met at Carrriedo station and headed to Mang Danny’s stand. He was wearing his usual beaming smile and gleaming eyes. I knew how cheap his cameras are because when I first went to his stand, he was handing me a Canon AE-1 for only 2,500php. That’s a steal! I can haggle for a lower price, I know, because I will be buying my film from him too. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy it because I thought it would still be there when I go back. But it wasn’t there anymore. He said that MMA (Multimedia Arts) students from different Universities went to Hidalgo to scout for a good steal, then POOF! I missed the chance.

Now about my camera, I managed to buy an Asahi Pentax SL for 2,200php. It was 10/10 in cosmetics and its lenses were fine. I won in convincing my cousin to buy the other camera that was Asahi Pentax SII for the same price. Mang Danny presented me the SII first but my cousin wanted it so we exchanged. No biggie. I bought a fresh roll of Kodak Colorplus 200 while my cousin bought a Fujicolor Superia 200 from the Fujifilm kiosk in Hidalgo. The only downside of our camera was its lack of light meter. I realized how essential it was for beginners like us but out of eagerness and excitement, I forget to ask for a camera that has its own light meter. Pinterest and google articles had been helpful to me. I managed to finish my first roll with the Sunny Rule 16 as my wallpaper and with the help of a light meter app. The only problem is that I’m not sure if my light meter was accurate. Bahala na. Click lang ng click. Advance. Click.

Now because of my lazy ass that keeps giving excuses, I haven’t made any effort to take my first film to a developer. It was quite pricey so if you can recommend somewhere near Manila where it is possible to have my film develop for less than 95php and scan it for less than 150php, hit me up in the comment section!

That’s all for now. I swear I will take my film to a developer and have it scanned so I can share it with you guys.

Ciao!

♥,

A

Ambivert Life, Restaurants

Home of the Dream Puffs

It’s that time of the year again… Christmas! Yay! We only have 36 days left before the most anticipated holiday (here in the Philippines, of course). Beautiful lights all throughout the long stretch of houses twinkling like stars reminding us that indeed, it is the time again. I haven’t bought anything for Christmas yet, mainly because of the load of works we currently have in our school. And going out during the weekends seemed impossible for me because I have classes during Saturdays. Basically, my only time to rest is Sunday. But sometimes, Sunday means a day to finish projects and papers that I will probably cram if I won’t do it right now.

Anyway, yesterday, as I was really exhausted by all the things that I’ve done and have yet to do, I craved for cream puffs! When I was waaaay younger, my aunt will buy these average-sized with melts-in-your-mouth-goodness cream puffs from I-don’t-know-the-name bakery. It basically stayed that way until yesterday. I kept bugging my mom to buy cream puffs, not the one Monde (a local brand I think), but the one we used to eat back in the day. So we asked my aunt where it was located. And much to my surprise, it’s just around the town! Now after meeting up with someone, we went back home and eagerly went to now-I-know-the-name-of-the-bakery Mabini Home Bakeshop. It can easily be found; just along the street of A. Mabini. It stood there for about 50 years now. I think that they started baking 1966; haven’t closed since then.

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The exterior pretty much reminded me of Becky’s Kitchen in P. Ocampo (used to be Vito Cruz), and it is also just along the street; to where we always buy my mom’s favourite Caramel Cake, and Chocolate Fudge Cake which I am currently munching.

While the interior of the bakeshop reminds me of Café Mary Grace.

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We aren’t aware that there are tables and chairs where you can dine in. I wasn’t prepared at all and didn’t think that I wanted to blog about it until we started devouring our ordered foods. Continue reading “Home of the Dream Puffs”

Books, Entertainment, Leisure, Relationship, Romance, Teens

Beyond the Book Cover 07 | Before Ever After

before-ever-after

I suppose you already know how I’m a knocked-out-romantic-hopeless reader. I didn’t want to read those sad novels that make you cringe, and cry, and weep at the peak of the climax except that I want to read it. I didn’t want to feel the pain some characters go through but I want to cry and weep with them as well. I am torn in between reading these kinds of novels. How do I know if a book is that ‘kind’ of novel? Well, google. Goodreads. Book reviews. They’re everywhere and I even got friends spoiling me with tidbits of information. But with this book, I only got Goodreads reviews telling me what to expect.

One day in my life, as I listened to my professor in literature talk about various Filipino novelists, I found myself opening my mobile data and search for each one of them. I’ve found gems of different genre from the list of authors she gave us. Then when I got home, I researched thoroughly and that’s when I stumbled across Samantha Sotto’s book, Before Ever After. I listed about three books and presented it to the class for some references on what book we are going to read for our final paper. Most of which are fiction. I then presented the book’s synopsis and reviews that I got from the said site. My blockmates voted for her book. I even relayed false information saying that the book can be bought for 235php (around $4-$5) because that’s what the local bookstore’s website’s price. When we checked it out, it was for 400php++ ($6). We opted to get the eBook instead. (I have the ebook copy. So… if you’re looking for it you can email me.) Continue reading “Beyond the Book Cover 07 | Before Ever After”

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Family, friendship, Photography

Late night ramble

I am supposed to be sleeping right now because I have a 9AM class tomorrow. Zzzzz… I finished my PowerPoint presentation for my literature subject earlier than I expected. So here I am, finally making a comeback entry. *sighs* comeback talaga?!

We are a week and a half away from our Midterm exams, and as usual, research papers, projects and lots of requirements are pouring down on us faster than my tears rolling on my cheek. The weather had been very unpredictable here (in the Philippines) for the last few weeks. The last time I checked, the news told us that there will be a Super Typhoon to enter PAR. I can’t believe it has been half of our semester already. Why is time such in a hurry? And with that being said, I suddenly remembered my dear laptop. I intend to share this with you, guys.

My mom and dad brought it to a store in SM that caters to gadgets’ repair. I was given hope that I would use it by Monday (which is yesterday) already. So we went there to pick it up. Unfortunately, the store failed to repair it so my mom decided that we send it to one of their oldest friends that repaired many of our family’s computers and laptops from way back. Now we still aren’t sure when are we getting it back. I was very hopeful because one of the many reasons why I haven’t blogged so much is because my lack of device. I was already thinking of catching up with my blog the moment I lay hands on my laptop again but… timing isn’t there yet. So, I guess I’ll have to suck it up with my desktop computer.

Anyway, I’ve finally decided to get myself a film camera (well, hopefully this week)! Though, I’m not yet sure on what exact brand I will be getting, what I’m pretty sure is that I’m getting a full manual SLR so I will be able to fully venture into it. And I’m so thrilled. I had probably infected my cousin with this one because he is also planning to get one of his own. Good thing is that, our school library has great series of books regarding Digital Photography and Analog Photography, which I borrowed (the latter, of course). Some books were heavier than my bag so I just frequently read them inside the library instead of borrowing it to read at home.

When I told my mom that I would be getting a film camera, an SLR to be exact, she kept on asking me where am I going to buy films, or where am I getting it processed. She was questioning me because I’ve delved into digital photography back in my high school days and I suddenly wanted this film photography. I didn’t explain myself because I felt like they wouldn’t understand me no matter how hard I try to explain. So I let their questions rain on me without answering too much because I know it would be of no use. Since I already researched about where, when, and how am I going to process and develop the films I’m going to use, I would probably scan it too so I can share it to all of you. If only there’s an easier way for me to reach out to the younger generation for them to appreciate these kinds of art, I’d probably do it in a blink of an eye.

It’s already getting late, and the rain started to pour (again). I’ll end this here. And I’ll write again soon when I get a hold of my first film camera. Good night!

♥,

A

Ambivert Life, Books, Entertainment, friendship, Leisure, Lifestyle, Photography

Film Photography, where to start?

Hola!

I recently came across an old camera (the one with films) when I was looking for a second hand phone to buy for my brother who badly wanted to play Pokemon Go on his phone but unfortunately, his phone isn’t smart enough to let him play. Anyway, my curiosity arose when I googled film photography and displayed series of blogs regarding Lomography. So with a few clicks here and there, reading each article that I found, I suddenly wanted to try this. (FYI: I don’t own any camera as of the moment. The ones I use are my cousins’ properties. All I have is a phone camera.) This has led me to watch videos in YouTube teaching film photography for beginners. Upon asking questions to some professional photographers through their emails, I suddenly had the urge to buy and own a film camera. I then found a group in Facebook Lomomanila Marketplace that consists of lomography enthusiasts. There, I found good deals for second hand cameras. YET, I still don’t know what actual camera to buy. The cheapest second hand SLR that I saw in that group costs around PHP 1,000 – PHP 3,000. Too bad, they’re already sold, but I still researched about the camera and I think it could be enough for beginners like me.

These are the cameras I came across:

pen ee3
Olympus Pen EE3
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Olympus Pen EED
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Pentax Auto 110

I honestly don’t have any ideas on how these cameras differ except from the articles that I’ve read through google. Also, I recently talked to someone concerning my plan on learning film photography who suggested that I try to Continue reading “Film Photography, where to start?”

Books, Photography, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Five Years Later, 1826 Days After

in that same coffee shop

that witnessed what could have been,

what should have been;

came the day they sat across each other

feeling the strong nostalgia,

killing the dreams they both made

when they finally decided to go separate ways.

she was looking through his eyes

trying to remember what it looked like

when it was still wearing the spark they both shared.

he held her gaze

trying so hard to swallow the fact

that he lost the only one that truly matters.

and they both wander in each other’s mind

asking the same questions they have last time they were there,

‘what happened to us?’

five years later, they met up

and she finally spoke her mind

“we’ve grown apart.”

it also took him 1826 days to finally say the words

“yes, because I screwed up.”

he saw remorse in his eyes

she wanted to ease him

except that she won’t

she won’t come running back to him anymore

because five years later, she learned how to love herself

more than she loves him;

because 1,826 days after

she realized she was doing a lot better without him.

five years later, 1,826 days after…

He realized he lost the love of his life.

poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Next To You

Hundreds and thousands of things had been in my mind throughout the day. You called and told me to come to your house because you wanted to see me and spend some time with me. There, we talked about the most mundane things to the most important ones. I haven’t felt the weariness that I have felt before coming to you. The day ended too fast meaning I have to go home, but you didn’t let me. You told me to stay and sleep there instead. I said yes, too tired to argue.

I rested on your bed after fixing myself, stared at your plain white ceiling trying to answer questions that had been running in my head – why did I come here with just one phone call? Why am I too tired to go home? The questions I keep asking myself are leading me to the highest heights of denial.


I miss you, yet can’t bring myself to admit it.


How many times did I wish to lay down with someone I love? How many times did I daydream about staying up until four in the morning talking about things? How many times did I ask myself the same questions over and over again?

You lied down beside me and stared at your ceiling too. We talked and talked until you finally fell asleep, faster than what I imagined. I stared at your face – your lashes, your brows, your lips. Everything about you is mesmerizing and I can’t help but smile at myself.

I turned my back from you, trying to keep my feelings to myself. I can’t seem to be sleepy even after a tiring day because my body is fully aware that you are lying beside me. Then you wrapped your arms around me. I closed my eyes trying to savor the moment for I know it won’t last long. You were asleep and you didn’t know what you were doing. I was awake and I know exactly what I’m feeling. Continue reading “Next To You”