Entertainment, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Four Seasons – A poem

I was waiting for you
Until the sun shone,
The people flocked on the beach,
And my hopes were all dried up

I was waiting for you
Until the drizzle came,
Turned into a hurricane,
Wiped all my tears away

I was waiting for you
Until the leaves fell,
The ground brown and well,
But I was alone and much couldn’t tell

I was waiting for you
Until the first snow fell
Christmas carols were everywhere
Yet my hands were cold with my heart freezing with sadness

I was done waiting for you
Then all of a sudden
You were there

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Photography

My Film Camera (yay!)

I actually promised to immediately blog my first film camera ever but (as usual) I didn’t. I honestly had a lot of time since then but I opted to rest instead. There are even times when I would finally open my laptop and blog about it but I always end up doing and checking other things instead. I can still remember that I bought my camera October 1, 2016, Saturday. I know because my nephew was born the day before.

Anyway, I originally opted to buy online from a trusted seller. I already reserved the camera I wanted to buy but when I texted Mang Danny, one of the few sellers of film cameras in Hidalgo, he told me that there were new cameras delivered to him. I immediately told my cousin the news and he said that we should go take a look at it and see what fortune we have. Right after my Saturday class, we met at Carrriedo station and headed to Mang Danny’s stand. He was wearing his usual beaming smile and gleaming eyes. I knew how cheap his cameras are because when I first went to his stand, he was handing me a Canon AE-1 for only 2,500php. That’s a steal! I can haggle for a lower price, I know, because I will be buying my film from him too. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy it because I thought it would still be there when I go back. But it wasn’t there anymore. He said that MMA (Multimedia Arts) students from different Universities went to Hidalgo to scout for a good steal, then POOF! I missed the chance.

Now about my camera, I managed to buy an Asahi Pentax SL for 2,200php. It was 10/10 in cosmetics and its lenses were fine. I won in convincing my cousin to buy the other camera that was Asahi Pentax SII for the same price. Mang Danny presented me the SII first but my cousin wanted it so we exchanged. No biggie. I bought a fresh roll of Kodak Colorplus 200 while my cousin bought a Fujicolor Superia 200 from the Fujifilm kiosk in Hidalgo. The only downside of our camera was its lack of light meter. I realized how essential it was for beginners like us but out of eagerness and excitement, I forget to ask for a camera that has its own light meter. Pinterest and google articles had been helpful to me. I managed to finish my first roll with the Sunny Rule 16 as my wallpaper and with the help of a light meter app. The only problem is that I’m not sure if my light meter was accurate. Bahala na. Click lang ng click. Advance. Click.

Now because of my lazy ass that keeps giving excuses, I haven’t made any effort to take my first film to a developer. It was quite pricey so if you can recommend somewhere near Manila where it is possible to have my film develop for less than 95php and scan it for less than 150php, hit me up in the comment section!

That’s all for now. I swear I will take my film to a developer and have it scanned so I can share it with you guys.

Ciao!

♥,

A

Books, Entertainment, Leisure, Relationship, Romance, Teens

Beyond the Book Cover 07 | Before Ever After

before-ever-after

I suppose you already know how I’m a knocked-out-romantic-hopeless reader. I didn’t want to read those sad novels that make you cringe, and cry, and weep at the peak of the climax except that I want to read it. I didn’t want to feel the pain some characters go through but I want to cry and weep with them as well. I am torn in between reading these kinds of novels. How do I know if a book is that ‘kind’ of novel? Well, google. Goodreads. Book reviews. They’re everywhere and I even got friends spoiling me with tidbits of information. But with this book, I only got Goodreads reviews telling me what to expect.

One day in my life, as I listened to my professor in literature talk about various Filipino novelists, I found myself opening my mobile data and search for each one of them. I’ve found gems of different genre from the list of authors she gave us. Then when I got home, I researched thoroughly and that’s when I stumbled across Samantha Sotto’s book, Before Ever After. I listed about three books and presented it to the class for some references on what book we are going to read for our final paper. Most of which are fiction. I then presented the book’s synopsis and reviews that I got from the said site. My blockmates voted for her book. I even relayed false information saying that the book can be bought for 235php (around $4-$5) because that’s what the local bookstore’s website’s price. When we checked it out, it was for 400php++ ($6). We opted to get the eBook instead. (I have the ebook copy. So… if you’re looking for it you can email me.) Continue reading “Beyond the Book Cover 07 | Before Ever After”

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Family, friendship, Photography

Late night ramble

I am supposed to be sleeping right now because I have a 9AM class tomorrow. Zzzzz… I finished my PowerPoint presentation for my literature subject earlier than I expected. So here I am, finally making a comeback entry. *sighs* comeback talaga?!

We are a week and a half away from our Midterm exams, and as usual, research papers, projects and lots of requirements are pouring down on us faster than my tears rolling on my cheek. The weather had been very unpredictable here (in the Philippines) for the last few weeks. The last time I checked, the news told us that there will be a Super Typhoon to enter PAR. I can’t believe it has been half of our semester already. Why is time such in a hurry? And with that being said, I suddenly remembered my dear laptop. I intend to share this with you, guys.

My mom and dad brought it to a store in SM that caters to gadgets’ repair. I was given hope that I would use it by Monday (which is yesterday) already. So we went there to pick it up. Unfortunately, the store failed to repair it so my mom decided that we send it to one of their oldest friends that repaired many of our family’s computers and laptops from way back. Now we still aren’t sure when are we getting it back. I was very hopeful because one of the many reasons why I haven’t blogged so much is because my lack of device. I was already thinking of catching up with my blog the moment I lay hands on my laptop again but… timing isn’t there yet. So, I guess I’ll have to suck it up with my desktop computer.

Anyway, I’ve finally decided to get myself a film camera (well, hopefully this week)! Though, I’m not yet sure on what exact brand I will be getting, what I’m pretty sure is that I’m getting a full manual SLR so I will be able to fully venture into it. And I’m so thrilled. I had probably infected my cousin with this one because he is also planning to get one of his own. Good thing is that, our school library has great series of books regarding Digital Photography and Analog Photography, which I borrowed (the latter, of course). Some books were heavier than my bag so I just frequently read them inside the library instead of borrowing it to read at home.

When I told my mom that I would be getting a film camera, an SLR to be exact, she kept on asking me where am I going to buy films, or where am I getting it processed. She was questioning me because I’ve delved into digital photography back in my high school days and I suddenly wanted this film photography. I didn’t explain myself because I felt like they wouldn’t understand me no matter how hard I try to explain. So I let their questions rain on me without answering too much because I know it would be of no use. Since I already researched about where, when, and how am I going to process and develop the films I’m going to use, I would probably scan it too so I can share it to all of you. If only there’s an easier way for me to reach out to the younger generation for them to appreciate these kinds of art, I’d probably do it in a blink of an eye.

It’s already getting late, and the rain started to pour (again). I’ll end this here. And I’ll write again soon when I get a hold of my first film camera. Good night!

♥,

A

Ambivert Life, Books, Entertainment, friendship, Leisure, Lifestyle, Photography

Film Photography, where to start?

Hola!

I recently came across an old camera (the one with films) when I was looking for a second hand phone to buy for my brother who badly wanted to play Pokemon Go on his phone but unfortunately, his phone isn’t smart enough to let him play. Anyway, my curiosity arose when I googled film photography and displayed series of blogs regarding Lomography. So with a few clicks here and there, reading each article that I found, I suddenly wanted to try this. (FYI: I don’t own any camera as of the moment. The ones I use are my cousins’ properties. All I have is a phone camera.) This has led me to watch videos in YouTube teaching film photography for beginners. Upon asking questions to some professional photographers through their emails, I suddenly had the urge to buy and own a film camera. I then found a group in Facebook Lomomanila Marketplace that consists of lomography enthusiasts. There, I found good deals for second hand cameras. YET, I still don’t know what actual camera to buy. The cheapest second hand SLR that I saw in that group costs around PHP 1,000 – PHP 3,000. Too bad, they’re already sold, but I still researched about the camera and I think it could be enough for beginners like me.

These are the cameras I came across:

pen ee3
Olympus Pen EE3
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Olympus Pen EED
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Pentax Auto 110

I honestly don’t have any ideas on how these cameras differ except from the articles that I’ve read through google. Also, I recently talked to someone concerning my plan on learning film photography who suggested that I try to Continue reading “Film Photography, where to start?”

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, friendship, Lifestyle, Music

Playlist Vol. 3 : Singing the blues

Hi! I know it has been awhile since my last entry and it’s making me feel awful, I swear, but then I don’t have enough inspiration to push me to make another post… but there’s so many things I want to share with you, guys, already. I’m seriously working on it.

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So, just a quick catch up on what’s making rounds on my playlist from the past few weeks… here’s another entry on Playlist (Volume 3: Singing the blues).

I hate u, I love u Gnash (ft. Olivia O’brien)

Oceans Coldplay

O “Fly On” Coldplay

Sparks Coldplay

This Time Freestyle

Lost Stars Adam Levine

Photograph Ed Sheeran

This I Promise You *NSYNC

Wait For You Elliot Yamin

Ilusm Gnash

High (Acoustic) The Sparks

Almost Is Never Enough Ariana Grande, Nathan Sykes

So there you go… Seems like I’ve been listening to the songs from way back. I’m sure you guys would love to hear it again. Go ahead and hit it up on your phone, or laptops, or computers. Enjoy! 🙂

Love,

A

Entertainment, Family, friendship, Lifestyle, Relationship, Teens, Writings

What Makes Her Perfect?

mothers day

Being a mother requires a lifetime of passion and dedication. Not much appealing, but very fulfilling. It doesn’t come with a handbook. Mothers start with a blank slate, a question mark, a no-clue situation, but cheers to all the mothers who nailed being a mother.

Three hundred sixty five days in a year, but not a single day could the child leave a mom’s thoughts. Seven days a week of endless thoughts of what could happen to us runs through her mind. Twenty-four hours a day, not a single hour of a silent moment with her. Millions of fiascos and dissatisfactions may fractious our heart, but her unconditional love can crush all the pain away.

So, thank you, Mama. For being my Mama. Though the repeating reminders for everything may sometimes be irritating, I will never get tired of hearing it. Thought the daily reminder of everything you do for us may crush us because we feel like our own efforts and ways of showing our love for you may not be enough, we will still try. Though we may never do the things you want us to do for our lives because of our own reveries, we will still listen… because you deserve to be heard and understood, to be loved and cared for, to laugh, to enjoy just like how you want us to. You deserve to feel the same absolute love you give us to nurture us while we grow up.

I may not be your idea of a good daughter, but I promise you that I will take care of you when you grow older. I may not take the path you want me to take, but I promise you that I will still make you proud of what I could become with the vision I have for myself. You may hurt me with your words sometimes, but those are what made me strive to be a better person.

You are a perfectly flawed mother, and I wouldn’t have you any other way. Your deficiencies make me realize how human you still are despite of doing every single thing for us. Your limitations remind me to ask you how you are doing even though you look amazingly fine. Your flaws teach me what to do and say to my future children to avoid hurting their feelings, and what not.

Thank you for the things you’ve done for us. For being selfless, for being strong.

You are one of a kind. All of the over-acting, the bickering, and the false news you give us. Again, I wouldn’t ask for you to be in any other way. You are who you are, and that’s what makes it perfect for us.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama. You know we love you.

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P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there! Much love.

Books, Entertainment, Family, friendship, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Travel, Writings

The Last Memory 1

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I pull up my blanket from half of my body up to my neck. Some rays of the sun peek through the small gaps of the blinds I installed when I moved into the apartment, warm on my face helping my body adjust to the cold temperature in my room. Last night, I conclude today to be my rest day and I know there is no stopping me. I savour the moment I have with my bed and my warm blanket than turns even cozier in the morning. I feel my throat burn from thirstiness, and then I remember how lazy I am last night, neglecting the need of my body for water. Right now, I can settle to the fact that I am a lazy-ass girl who can’t leave her bed for her own benefit. Well, blame my bed… and pillows… and blanket… and the weather itself. I wonder how possibly it could be that my bed is a lot more comfortable in the morning than it already is. I am just so grateful that it’s my rest day today.

I stare blankly at the plain white ceiling I re-painted weeks ago. I can’t deny the fact that I am badly missing my room back home—painted in pastel blue color, with my painting materials carefully arranged on the cabinet beside the window, Kara on the bunk bed going through the stack of books I have. I miss everything back home, but I have to deal with the choices I made. My doorbell ring for three times and I hesitate for a moment if I should stand up and get the door, or just ignore it away, but in the end, I shrug the laziness away, wrap the robe around my body and head for the door.

“Good day, Isabelle.” It is kind of appalling for me to see Mrs. Bloomberg behind the door holding up a tray with pancakes on it. Mrs. Bloomberg—a woman in her fifties—is my neighbour across our apartment who, by rumours, I learn that she is living alone for almost five years already.

I widen the door opening upon recognizing her face. “Hey, Mrs. Bloomberg, what can I do for you?” I ask flashing her a bright smile. Continue reading “The Last Memory 1”