So today marks my last day of (short) vacation along with the Holy Week. It was actually fun… all the activities we did for the past five days. We’ve done our family tradition: Pakaridad, Pabasa, and Pakain (I don’t know how it’s called!) that was a major success! Yup, it’s a success because I was the one reading/singing from night to dawn during our Pabasa. My cousins and aunts tricked me into it saying that everyone will not go to sleep but lo and behold there was only me, Kuya Justine, Thea, and my aunt—Tita Lissa. So, I stayed up from 7:30PM until 6AM.
Howdy ey! You must’ve thought that this is kinda strange that I’m doing a book review again on the same day and it is mainly because I got my book reviews stacked up already. I’ve read one book to another and I cannot stop myself from doing so. That’s the main reason I’m doing book review one after the other. Aaaaaaaand! I am stoked becaaaaz this book is in progress with the movie adaptation, yay or nay? IT’S YAY! Remember the director who did the Twilight adaptation? Yep, Catherine Hardwicke will do the screen adaptation of Love Letters to the Dead. Did I say this yet again? But yes, I am excited. Thrilled, even.
Today is not yet the time to give up on life. Just hold on a little tighter because there’s an earthquake that kind of shook your soul, but don’t give up just yet. You’ve seen better days and you know how it all look so bright, right? If you give up now, you won’t be able to see a whole new level of brightness that will soon come into your life. You don’t want to miss that, do you?
Go ahead and cry your heart out, until your eyes are all puffy from crying all night long. Yes, weep all you want. Go and cynically look at your life. But never ever forget your reason why you’ve come this far in life. It hurts. Pain supposed to hurt, right? I know you can get through this. I know you would understand. I know you can heal your own wounded heart. It may hurt you even more because the pain came from the least person you expect it to give, but then look at you, knowing all the reasons to push through with life after all the hardships that could crash your whole being.
You got hurt by words uttered, and I know how you are scarred forever, for the rest of your life. You did the right choice of staying silent and letting yourself just hear out the most painful words thrown at you instead of spitting some baneful words that could hurt them like how it was hurting you. You don’t want her to feel the same feeling you felt, right? It was bad. I know. And I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for my side but sometimes keeping silent can do so much more than bickering. You are strong, for once let’s claim it. You have to be strong. You know well enough that no one else would be there for you, except yourself.
I don’t know why your mother could never give any appreciation on anything you do but never forget to believe in yourself. Please yourself, not others. Better your best. People would come to appreciate you even though that one person could never. And that’s fine. Othed people could love what you do, and appreciate what you love. I know that even though it’s only one person, she means a lot to you, but we all have to live in reality. We cannot make people understand us the way we need to be understood. So you have to gove credits to yourself too.
Love and believe in yourself. That way no one can change your worth. You’ve gone through so much already and I know you can get through this.
I wish there is a sign that tells me when to stop looking out for someone. I wish there is a police officer that stops me and charges me when I drive too fast. I wish I have a mother who nags me to chase after my dream and to look after myself. I wish I have a brother and a sister that reminds me of how I want them to see the beauty of this evil-stricken world. I wish there was a time when I actually thought of saving myself from the destruction that awaits me, but then again, there’s none. There’s no one. Nada. I continue to walk past the grocery store that offers different variety of Korean foods. No one notices me but I remember every detail that holds the moment, our moment. Every once in a while, I ask myself why did I have to come at this point where I have no one beside me. A voice inside me screams that at one time in my life, this is what I wanted. I have a choice. And this is what I chose.
As slowly as the darkness engulfs the beautiful bright sky, the horizon has the different shades of color fighting over who to dominate. I stare at it and study the vista that is dominated by magenta and has a touch of orange, killing the cyan that lies beneath the other colors. My palm twitches just looking at the pigments dominating what used to be a peaceful and calm shade of blue. But then I know within a minute or two, darkness will take over the sky only leaving us with the tiny dots from a star far away. I slip in my car and start the engine immediately, trying to warm myself inside. Though I know there’s no use since I am cold from the inside, I still try. Just like how I try to bring back the life I have before I ended up alone, and empty. I sigh and drive my way to the apartment that I think is small enough for me not to feel the desolation that won’t go away. Upon entering the room, I quickly pull out my painting materials: palette, canvas, paint brushes, oil paint, and the Lilo and Stitch rag that reminds me of… nevermind. I hold the palette on my left hand and push out the three monotonous colors that basically define my life right now—white, black, and gray. I close my eyes trying to envisage the silhouette of the face of the man who holds a biggest part of my heart, Daddy. I start brushing the whole canvas with gray, and I try to darken some parts of it. When I finish brushing the whole, I dip my pointed brush to a splatter of black oil paint and smoothly draw Daddy’s feature. A smile slowly crept up on my lips remembering how he keeps on insisting that I try charcoal painting instead since I only use the three colors. Had I said yes and did charcoal painting; my Daddy smiling and proud of me may have been my last memory of him. But I didn’t. Did or did not, I love you still, Daddy. I’ll come back and change that last memory.
(Thoughts? Should I continue? Leave a comment below!)
I usually dread the last day of the week (Friday) because of the long vacant hour I have this second semester. I tried filling it up with another subject but there is no available schedule for me. So I was left with no choice but to suck it up for the whole semester. But today went very well. My best friend, Clarisse, and I reserved a booth last Wednesday on our school’s production booth, where you can watch the available movies they have for free. We didn’t have to go out of the school to spend our four-hour vacant. We decided to watch P.S. I love you (2007), a movie that Gerard Butler, and Hilary Swank starred in, and was directed by Richard LaGravanese.
It’s kind of funny because for two years now, I’ve been wanting to watch that movie and I don’t know why I did not watched it. I think, I viewed its trailer for like, a hundred times already but hadn’t decided to watch it—until today. C keeps on telling me how she already forgot the plot of the movie and she really wants to watch it again, so we did. The problem was, we reserved the booth for an hour and a half without knowing that the movie lasts for 2 hours and 5 minutes. We had to forward some parts in order to finish the whole movie, since the staff kept on reminding us that they will close at twelve noon.