Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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My Film Camera (yay!)

I actually promised to immediately blog my first film camera ever but (as usual) I didn’t. I honestly had a lot of time since then but I opted to rest instead. There are even times when I would finally open my laptop and blog about it but I always end up doing and checking other things instead. I can still remember that I bought my camera October 1, 2016, Saturday. I know because my nephew was born the day before.

Anyway, I originally opted to buy online from a trusted seller. I already reserved the camera I wanted to buy but when I texted Mang Danny, one of the few sellers of film cameras in Hidalgo, he told me that there were new cameras delivered to him. I immediately told my cousin the news and he said that we should go take a look at it and see what fortune we have. Right after my Saturday class, we met at Carrriedo station and headed to Mang Danny’s stand. He was wearing his usual beaming smile and gleaming eyes. I knew how cheap his cameras are because when I first went to his stand, he was handing me a Canon AE-1 for only 2,500php. That’s a steal! I can haggle for a lower price, I know, because I will be buying my film from him too. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy it because I thought it would still be there when I go back. But it wasn’t there anymore. He said that MMA (Multimedia Arts) students from different Universities went to Hidalgo to scout for a good steal, then POOF! I missed the chance.

Now about my camera, I managed to buy an Asahi Pentax SL for 2,200php. It was 10/10 in cosmetics and its lenses were fine. I won in convincing my cousin to buy the other camera that was Asahi Pentax SII for the same price. Mang Danny presented me the SII first but my cousin wanted it so we exchanged. No biggie. I bought a fresh roll of Kodak Colorplus 200 while my cousin bought a Fujicolor Superia 200 from the Fujifilm kiosk in Hidalgo. The only downside of our camera was its lack of light meter. I realized how essential it was for beginners like us but out of eagerness and excitement, I forget to ask for a camera that has its own light meter. Pinterest and google articles had been helpful to me. I managed to finish my first roll with the Sunny Rule 16 as my wallpaper and with the help of a light meter app. The only problem is that I’m not sure if my light meter was accurate. Bahala na. Click lang ng click. Advance. Click.

Now because of my lazy ass that keeps giving excuses, I haven’t made any effort to take my first film to a developer. It was quite pricey so if you can recommend somewhere near Manila where it is possible to have my film develop for less than 95php and scan it for less than 150php, hit me up in the comment section!

That’s all for now. I swear I will take my film to a developer and have it scanned so I can share it with you guys.

Ciao!

♥,

A

Film Photography, where to start?

Hola!

I recently came across an old camera (the one with films) when I was looking for a second hand phone to buy for my brother who badly wanted to play Pokemon Go on his phone but unfortunately, his phone isn’t smart enough to let him play. Anyway, my curiosity arose when I googled film photography and displayed series of blogs regarding Lomography. So with a few clicks here and there, reading each article that I found, I suddenly wanted to try this. (FYI: I don’t own any camera as of the moment. The ones I use are my cousins’ properties. All I have is a phone camera.) This has led me to watch videos in YouTube teaching film photography for beginners. Upon asking questions to some professional photographers through their emails, I suddenly had the urge to buy and own a film camera. I then found a group in Facebook Lomomanila Marketplace that consists of lomography enthusiasts. There, I found good deals for second hand cameras. YET, I still don’t know what actual camera to buy. The cheapest second hand SLR that I saw in that group costs around PHP 1,000 – PHP 3,000. Too bad, they’re already sold, but I still researched about the camera and I think it could be enough for beginners like me.

These are the cameras I came across:

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Olympus Pen EE3

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Olympus Pen EED

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Pentax Auto 110

I honestly don’t have any ideas on how these cameras differ except from the articles that I’ve read through google. Also, I recently talked to someone concerning my plan on learning film photography who suggested that I try to Continue reading

Morong, Bataan Summer 2016

Since it had been raining non-stop for a week now here in the Philippines, I realized how this post is long overdue. Other classes have already started and my guilt keeps on kicking me to get my lazy ass do it now. So here… my summer escapade… that was long overdue. I’M SORRY!!!

It was around the second week of May 2016 when we went to the beach. My vacation had just started back then because we were adjusting our Academic Year. It was a badly needed vacation since I had a shitty semester prior to summer vacation. I had been stressed the whole semester because of how badly I behaved and how I tolerated my lazy fat ass. Well, I’m kind of regretting it now.

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Anyway, the beach was a private cove and it’s not very popular. It was a small secluded island that is 20-40 minutes away from La Salle Beach in Morong, Bataan. I wasn’t really aware of the name of the beach partly because, I didn’t care to ask anymore. I just needed the time to relax and unwind. The trip was an all-expense paid by my aunt. It was a company outing and they were allowed to bring with them some family members or colleagues who would like to join but have to pay 1,800Php. She insisted on shouldering everything for the trip, so yey! She paid for the cove to be exclusive at the time of our stay, so it had been us, and her co-workers who wandered around the cove for 2 days and 1 night.

We left our house (Caloocan) at around four in the morning because we have to go to Bonifacio Global City in Taguig to fetch my cousin who has work erstwhile to the day we would be leaving. It was a smooth ride since it’s early in the morning and the traffic wasn’t so bad. We reached Subic at around six in the morning whilst we stopped by to eat our breakfast at McDonald’s. We had so much fun inside the car. And thankful enough, we didn’t use our phones for music and opted to listen to the radio instead. The funny thing is, since we are near the border of China, the signal that was adopted by the radio was purely from China and it will switch to the local radio from time to time! It was a funny experience. Continue reading

Playlist Vol. 3 : Singing the blues

Hi! I know it has been awhile since my last entry and it’s making me feel awful, I swear, but then I don’t have enough inspiration to push me to make another post… but there’s so many things I want to share with you, guys, already. I’m seriously working on it.

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So, just a quick catch up on what’s making rounds on my playlist from the past few weeks… here’s another entry on Playlist (Volume 3: Singing the blues).

I hate u, I love u Gnash (ft. Olivia O’brien)

Oceans Coldplay

O “Fly On” Coldplay

Sparks Coldplay

This Time Freestyle

Lost Stars Adam Levine

Photograph Ed Sheeran

This I Promise You *NSYNC

Wait For You Elliot Yamin

Ilusm Gnash

High (Acoustic) The Sparks

Almost Is Never Enough Ariana Grande, Nathan Sykes

So there you go… Seems like I’ve been listening to the songs from way back. I’m sure you guys would love to hear it again. Go ahead and hit it up on your phone, or laptops, or computers. Enjoy! 🙂

Love,

A

What Makes Her Perfect?

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Being a mother requires a lifetime of passion and dedication. Not much appealing, but very fulfilling. It doesn’t come with a handbook. Mothers start with a blank slate, a question mark, a no-clue situation, but cheers to all the mothers who nailed being a mother.

Three hundred sixty five days in a year, but not a single day could the child leave a mom’s thoughts. Seven days a week of endless thoughts of what could happen to us runs through her mind. Twenty-four hours a day, not a single hour of a silent moment with her. Millions of fiascos and dissatisfactions may fractious our heart, but her unconditional love can crush all the pain away.

So, thank you, Mama. For being my Mama. Though the repeating reminders for everything may sometimes be irritating, I will never get tired of hearing it. Thought the daily reminder of everything you do for us may crush us because we feel like our own efforts and ways of showing our love for you may not be enough, we will still try. Though we may never do the things you want us to do for our lives because of our own reveries, we will still listen… because you deserve to be heard and understood, to be loved and cared for, to laugh, to enjoy just like how you want us to. You deserve to feel the same absolute love you give us to nurture us while we grow up.

I may not be your idea of a good daughter, but I promise you that I will take care of you when you grow older. I may not take the path you want me to take, but I promise you that I will still make you proud of what I could become with the vision I have for myself. You may hurt me with your words sometimes, but those are what made me strive to be a better person.

You are a perfectly flawed mother, and I wouldn’t have you any other way. Your deficiencies make me realize how human you still are despite of doing every single thing for us. Your limitations remind me to ask you how you are doing even though you look amazingly fine. Your flaws teach me what to do and say to my future children to avoid hurting their feelings, and what not.

Thank you for the things you’ve done for us. For being selfless, for being strong.

You are one of a kind. All of the over-acting, the bickering, and the false news you give us. Again, I wouldn’t ask for you to be in any other way. You are who you are, and that’s what makes it perfect for us.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama. You know we love you.

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P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there! Much love.

Worth

Dear self,

Today is not yet the time to give up on life. Just hold on a little tighter because there’s an earthquake that kind of shook your soul, but don’t give up just yet. You’ve seen better days and you know how it all look so bright, right? If you give up now, you won’t be able to see a whole new level of brightness that will soon come into your life. You don’t want to miss that, do you?

Go ahead and cry your heart out, until your eyes are all puffy from crying all night long. Yes, weep all you want. Go and cynically look at your life. But never ever forget your reason why you’ve come this far in life. It hurts. Pain supposed to hurt, right? I know you can get through this. I know you would understand. I know you can heal your own wounded heart. It may hurt you even more because the pain came from the least person you expect it to give, but then look at you, knowing all the reasons to push through with life after all the hardships that could crash your whole being.

You got hurt by words uttered, and I know how you are scarred forever, for the rest of your life. You did the right choice of staying silent and letting yourself just hear out the most painful words thrown at you instead of spitting some baneful words that could hurt them like how it was hurting you. You don’t want her to feel the same feeling you felt, right? It was bad. I know. And I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for my side but sometimes keeping silent can do so much more than bickering. You are strong, for once let’s claim it. You have to be strong. You know well enough that no one else would be there for you, except yourself.

I  don’t know why your mother could never give any appreciation on anything you do but never forget to believe in yourself. Please yourself, not others. Better your best. People would come to appreciate you even though that one person could never. And that’s fine. Othed people could love what you do, and appreciate what you love. I know that even though it’s only one person, she means a lot to you, but we all have to live in reality. We cannot make people understand us the way we need to be understood. So you have to gove credits to yourself too.

Love and believe in yourself. That way no one can change your worth. You’ve gone through so much already and I know you can get through this.

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