I wish I’m good at something

Ambivert Life, Family, Relationship, Teens, Writings

The past few days, I’ve been feeling a lot—but not in a positive way. You know how you feel things but don’t exactly know what you’re feeling? Not sad, but not happy either. That’s exactly what it feels like standing in the grey area. I’m mostly uncertain about a lot of things: myself, my life, my choices, my path, my friends, and my family. The only I’m most certain of is my creator.

I’ve been watching so many people for the last years, and I listened to them for most of the time. Each opinion I’ve heard but none of them seemed interested to know what’s mine. So I keep asking myself: why wasn’t I talented enough? Why am I mediocre? Why can’t I do things good?

All these people surrounding me have at least one thing they’re good at. I mean, there’s at least one thing I should be really good at doing, right? But I don’t. And as much as I want to say and believe people who tell me that I have—I don’t. And that’s the truth. For twenty years, I’ve been trying to find that one thing but to no avail.

My voice isn’t angelic, the sound of the piano keys don’t echo across the room when I press it, the vibrant colors of my artworks are all but dull, and in everything that I do, I think there’s always something lacking; something that doesn’t fit. So I try to hold on to words and maybe if I have enough, people would know me. For the things I write, for the poems I make, and for all the emotions I keep bottled inside.

People don’t understand it when all you have are mediocre talents. Like you can paint but you need a guide to make everything look pleasing to the eyes; you can sing but not be able to touch other people’s hearts; you can be good but not good enough that people remember you for it. It’s frustrating… and depressing—not being able to afford to be known for something you’re truly good at.

And while I try to hold on to words—mine and others who inspire me—I try to stop my soul from sinking in a deep hole because when I do, I know no one would rescue. In the end, I’ll still be rescuing myself. In the end, it’s still going to be my fault why I sank in that hole. And I wish more people would understand that it’s not that I just don’t see my capabilities. I can actually see it. It’s just that it’s not enough.. for me, or for anyone.

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Four Seasons – A poem

Entertainment, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

I was waiting for you
Until the sun shone,
The people flocked on the beach,
And my hopes were all dried up

I was waiting for you
Until the drizzle came,
Turned into a hurricane,
Wiped all my tears away

I was waiting for you
Until the leaves fell,
The ground brown and well,
But I was alone and much couldn’t tell

I was waiting for you
Until the first snow fell
Christmas carols were everywhere
Yet my hands were cold with my heart freezing with sadness

I was done waiting for you
Then all of a sudden
You were there

Beyond the Book Cover 07 | Before Ever After

Books, Entertainment, Leisure, Relationship, Romance, Teens

before-ever-after

I suppose you already know how I’m a knocked-out-romantic-hopeless reader. I didn’t want to read those sad novels that make you cringe, and cry, and weep at the peak of the climax except that I want to read it. I didn’t want to feel the pain some characters go through but I want to cry and weep with them as well. I am torn in between reading these kinds of novels. How do I know if a book is that ‘kind’ of novel? Well, google. Goodreads. Book reviews. They’re everywhere and I even got friends spoiling me with tidbits of information. But with this book, I only got Goodreads reviews telling me what to expect.

One day in my life, as I listened to my professor in literature talk about various Filipino novelists, I found myself opening my mobile data and search for each one of them. I’ve found gems of different genre from the list of authors she gave us. Then when I got home, I researched thoroughly and that’s when I stumbled across Samantha Sotto’s book, Before Ever After. I listed about three books and presented it to the class for some references on what book we are going to read for our final paper. Most of which are fiction. I then presented the book’s synopsis and reviews that I got from the said site. My blockmates voted for her book. I even relayed false information saying that the book can be bought for 235php (around $4-$5) because that’s what the local bookstore’s website’s price. When we checked it out, it was for 400php++ ($6). We opted to get the eBook instead. (I have the ebook copy. So… if you’re looking for it you can email me.)

Five Years Later, 1826 Days After

Books, Photography, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

in that same coffee shop

that witnessed what could have been,

what should have been;

came the day they sat across each other

feeling the strong nostalgia,

killing the dreams they both made

when they finally decided to go separate ways.

she was looking through his eyes

trying to remember what it looked like

when it was still wearing the spark they both shared.

he held her gaze

trying so hard to swallow the fact

that he lost the only one that truly matters.

and they both wander in each other’s mind

asking the same questions they have last time they were there,

‘what happened to us?’

five years later, they met up

and she finally spoke her mind

“we’ve grown apart.”

it also took him 1826 days to finally say the words

“yes, because I screwed up.”

he saw remorse in his eyes

she wanted to ease him

except that she won’t

she won’t come running back to him anymore

because five years later, she learned how to love herself

more than she loves him;

because 1,826 days after

she realized she was doing a lot better without him.

five years later, 1,826 days after…

He realized he lost the love of his life.

Next To You

poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Hundreds and thousands of things had been in my mind throughout the day. You called and told me to come to your house because you wanted to see me and spend some time with me. There, we talked about the most mundane things to the most important ones. I haven’t felt the weariness that I have felt before coming to you. The day ended too fast meaning I have to go home, but you didn’t let me. You told me to stay and sleep there instead. I said yes, too tired to argue.

I rested on your bed after fixing myself, stared at your plain white ceiling trying to answer questions that had been running in my head – why did I come here with just one phone call? Why am I too tired to go home? The questions I keep asking myself are leading me to the highest heights of denial.


I miss you, yet can’t bring myself to admit it.


How many times did I wish to lay down with someone I love? How many times did I daydream about staying up until four in the morning talking about things? How many times did I ask myself the same questions over and over again?

You lied down beside me and stared at your ceiling too. We talked and talked until you finally fell asleep, faster than what I imagined. I stared at your face – your lashes, your brows, your lips. Everything about you is mesmerizing and I can’t help but smile at myself.

I turned my back from you, trying to keep my feelings to myself. I can’t seem to be sleepy even after a tiring day because my body is fully aware that you are lying beside me. Then you wrapped your arms around me. I closed my eyes trying to savor the moment for I know it won’t last long. You were asleep and you didn’t know what you were doing. I was awake and I know exactly what I’m feeling.

Morong, Bataan Summer 2016

Ambivert Life, Family, Leisure, Lifestyle, Teens, Travel

Since it had been raining non-stop for a week now here in the Philippines, I realized how this post is long overdue. Other classes have already started and my guilt keeps on kicking me to get my lazy ass do it now. So here… my summer escapade… that was long overdue. I’M SORRY!!!

It was around the second week of May 2016 when we went to the beach. My vacation had just started back then because we were adjusting our Academic Year. It was a badly needed vacation since I had a shitty semester prior to summer vacation. I had been stressed the whole semester because of how badly I behaved and how I tolerated my lazy fat ass. Well, I’m kind of regretting it now.

DSC_1485

Anyway, the beach was a private cove and it’s not very popular. It was a small secluded island that is 20-40 minutes away from La Salle Beach in Morong, Bataan. I wasn’t really aware of the name of the beach partly because, I didn’t care to ask anymore. I just needed the time to relax and unwind. The trip was an all-expense paid by my aunt. It was a company outing and they were allowed to bring with them some family members or colleagues who would like to join but have to pay 1,800Php. She insisted on shouldering everything for the trip, so yey! She paid for the cove to be exclusive at the time of our stay, so it had been us, and her co-workers who wandered around the cove for 2 days and 1 night.

We left our house (Caloocan) at around four in the morning because we have to go to Bonifacio Global City in Taguig to fetch my cousin who has work erstwhile to the day we would be leaving. It was a smooth ride since it’s early in the morning and the traffic wasn’t so bad. We reached Subic at around six in the morning whilst we stopped by to eat our breakfast at McDonald’s. We had so much fun inside the car. And thankful enough, we didn’t use our phones for music and opted to listen to the radio instead. The funny thing is, since we are near the border of China, the signal that was adopted by the radio was purely from China and it will switch to the local radio from time to time! It was a funny experience.