Entertainment, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Four Seasons – A poem

I was waiting for you
Until the sun shone,
The people flocked on the beach,
And my hopes were all dried up

I was waiting for you
Until the drizzle came,
Turned into a hurricane,
Wiped all my tears away

I was waiting for you
Until the leaves fell,
The ground brown and well,
But I was alone and much couldn’t tell

I was waiting for you
Until the first snow fell
Christmas carols were everywhere
Yet my hands were cold with my heart freezing with sadness

I was done waiting for you
Then all of a sudden
You were there

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Books, Photography, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Five Years Later, 1826 Days After

in that same coffee shop

that witnessed what could have been,

what should have been;

came the day they sat across each other

feeling the strong nostalgia,

killing the dreams they both made

when they finally decided to go separate ways.

she was looking through his eyes

trying to remember what it looked like

when it was still wearing the spark they both shared.

he held her gaze

trying so hard to swallow the fact

that he lost the only one that truly matters.

and they both wander in each other’s mind

asking the same questions they have last time they were there,

‘what happened to us?’

five years later, they met up

and she finally spoke her mind

“we’ve grown apart.”

it also took him 1826 days to finally say the words

“yes, because I screwed up.”

he saw remorse in his eyes

she wanted to ease him

except that she won’t

she won’t come running back to him anymore

because five years later, she learned how to love herself

more than she loves him;

because 1,826 days after

she realized she was doing a lot better without him.

five years later, 1,826 days after…

He realized he lost the love of his life.

poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Next To You

Hundreds and thousands of things had been in my mind throughout the day. You called and told me to come to your house because you wanted to see me and spend some time with me. There, we talked about the most mundane things to the most important ones. I haven’t felt the weariness that I have felt before coming to you. The day ended too fast meaning I have to go home, but you didn’t let me. You told me to stay and sleep there instead. I said yes, too tired to argue.

I rested on your bed after fixing myself, stared at your plain white ceiling trying to answer questions that had been running in my head – why did I come here with just one phone call? Why am I too tired to go home? The questions I keep asking myself are leading me to the highest heights of denial.


I miss you, yet can’t bring myself to admit it.


How many times did I wish to lay down with someone I love? How many times did I daydream about staying up until four in the morning talking about things? How many times did I ask myself the same questions over and over again?

You lied down beside me and stared at your ceiling too. We talked and talked until you finally fell asleep, faster than what I imagined. I stared at your face – your lashes, your brows, your lips. Everything about you is mesmerizing and I can’t help but smile at myself.

I turned my back from you, trying to keep my feelings to myself. I can’t seem to be sleepy even after a tiring day because my body is fully aware that you are lying beside me. Then you wrapped your arms around me. I closed my eyes trying to savor the moment for I know it won’t last long. You were asleep and you didn’t know what you were doing. I was awake and I know exactly what I’m feeling. Continue reading “Next To You”

Entertainment, Family, friendship, Lifestyle, Relationship, Teens, Writings

What Makes Her Perfect?

mothers day

Being a mother requires a lifetime of passion and dedication. Not much appealing, but very fulfilling. It doesn’t come with a handbook. Mothers start with a blank slate, a question mark, a no-clue situation, but cheers to all the mothers who nailed being a mother.

Three hundred sixty five days in a year, but not a single day could the child leave a mom’s thoughts. Seven days a week of endless thoughts of what could happen to us runs through her mind. Twenty-four hours a day, not a single hour of a silent moment with her. Millions of fiascos and dissatisfactions may fractious our heart, but her unconditional love can crush all the pain away.

So, thank you, Mama. For being my Mama. Though the repeating reminders for everything may sometimes be irritating, I will never get tired of hearing it. Thought the daily reminder of everything you do for us may crush us because we feel like our own efforts and ways of showing our love for you may not be enough, we will still try. Though we may never do the things you want us to do for our lives because of our own reveries, we will still listen… because you deserve to be heard and understood, to be loved and cared for, to laugh, to enjoy just like how you want us to. You deserve to feel the same absolute love you give us to nurture us while we grow up.

I may not be your idea of a good daughter, but I promise you that I will take care of you when you grow older. I may not take the path you want me to take, but I promise you that I will still make you proud of what I could become with the vision I have for myself. You may hurt me with your words sometimes, but those are what made me strive to be a better person.

You are a perfectly flawed mother, and I wouldn’t have you any other way. Your deficiencies make me realize how human you still are despite of doing every single thing for us. Your limitations remind me to ask you how you are doing even though you look amazingly fine. Your flaws teach me what to do and say to my future children to avoid hurting their feelings, and what not.

Thank you for the things you’ve done for us. For being selfless, for being strong.

You are one of a kind. All of the over-acting, the bickering, and the false news you give us. Again, I wouldn’t ask for you to be in any other way. You are who you are, and that’s what makes it perfect for us.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama. You know we love you.

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P.S. Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there! Much love.

Books, Entertainment, Family, friendship, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Travel, Writings

The Last Memory 1

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I pull up my blanket from half of my body up to my neck. Some rays of the sun peek through the small gaps of the blinds I installed when I moved into the apartment, warm on my face helping my body adjust to the cold temperature in my room. Last night, I conclude today to be my rest day and I know there is no stopping me. I savour the moment I have with my bed and my warm blanket than turns even cozier in the morning. I feel my throat burn from thirstiness, and then I remember how lazy I am last night, neglecting the need of my body for water. Right now, I can settle to the fact that I am a lazy-ass girl who can’t leave her bed for her own benefit. Well, blame my bed… and pillows… and blanket… and the weather itself. I wonder how possibly it could be that my bed is a lot more comfortable in the morning than it already is. I am just so grateful that it’s my rest day today.

I stare blankly at the plain white ceiling I re-painted weeks ago. I can’t deny the fact that I am badly missing my room back home—painted in pastel blue color, with my painting materials carefully arranged on the cabinet beside the window, Kara on the bunk bed going through the stack of books I have. I miss everything back home, but I have to deal with the choices I made. My doorbell ring for three times and I hesitate for a moment if I should stand up and get the door, or just ignore it away, but in the end, I shrug the laziness away, wrap the robe around my body and head for the door.

“Good day, Isabelle.” It is kind of appalling for me to see Mrs. Bloomberg behind the door holding up a tray with pancakes on it. Mrs. Bloomberg—a woman in her fifties—is my neighbour across our apartment who, by rumours, I learn that she is living alone for almost five years already.

I widen the door opening upon recognizing her face. “Hey, Mrs. Bloomberg, what can I do for you?” I ask flashing her a bright smile. Continue reading “The Last Memory 1”

Books, Family, friendship, Lifestyle, Relationship, Teens, Writings

Worth

Dear self,

Today is not yet the time to give up on life. Just hold on a little tighter because there’s an earthquake that kind of shook your soul, but don’t give up just yet. You’ve seen better days and you know how it all look so bright, right? If you give up now, you won’t be able to see a whole new level of brightness that will soon come into your life. You don’t want to miss that, do you?

Go ahead and cry your heart out, until your eyes are all puffy from crying all night long. Yes, weep all you want. Go and cynically look at your life. But never ever forget your reason why you’ve come this far in life. It hurts. Pain supposed to hurt, right? I know you can get through this. I know you would understand. I know you can heal your own wounded heart. It may hurt you even more because the pain came from the least person you expect it to give, but then look at you, knowing all the reasons to push through with life after all the hardships that could crash your whole being.

You got hurt by words uttered, and I know how you are scarred forever, for the rest of your life. You did the right choice of staying silent and letting yourself just hear out the most painful words thrown at you instead of spitting some baneful words that could hurt them like how it was hurting you. You don’t want her to feel the same feeling you felt, right? It was bad. I know. And I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for my side but sometimes keeping silent can do so much more than bickering. You are strong, for once let’s claim it. You have to be strong. You know well enough that no one else would be there for you, except yourself.

I  don’t know why your mother could never give any appreciation on anything you do but never forget to believe in yourself. Please yourself, not others. Better your best. People would come to appreciate you even though that one person could never. And that’s fine. Othed people could love what you do, and appreciate what you love. I know that even though it’s only one person, she means a lot to you, but we all have to live in reality. We cannot make people understand us the way we need to be understood. So you have to gove credits to yourself too.

Love and believe in yourself. That way no one can change your worth. You’ve gone through so much already and I know you can get through this.

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Ambivert Life, Books, Entertainment, friendship, Leisure, Lifestyle, Travel, Writings

National Museum

For an insight, I just feel like I need to tell y’all that I haven’t been at the National Museum even during my younger age. Yup, I often see the National Museum (Pambansang Museo) on my way to Taft even before but I hadn’t got the chance to actually visit the place. So last March 3, 2016, my blockmate and I were left alone because our blockmates were either absent, or they aren’t at the school yet. Since they (National Museum staff) offered a free entrance to all women to celebrate National Women’s Month, without a second thought, we rode an FX and went there. Take note: it was a skirt day so we were wearing heels! The guts, right? It was fun of course, but it was tiresome as well especially we were brave enough to stroll around the museum with our high heels on. Damn! That was the most stupid thing I did. Anyway, it was a merry adventure for the both of us.

PICTURES! (of course)

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Atenean wearing their uniform

Continue reading “National Museum”