Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Lifestyle

ALL OVER AGAIN

I honestly feel sad for people who are hurting or who have been hurt by such circumstances and have given up finding happiness again. Those who closed their hearts to someone or something that could’ve given them the joy their hearts lack. I can’t blame them, though. As John Green said, “That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” Maybe the pain demanded more from them. It ate their hearts out to the point where they’d turned their backs to the possibility of finding it again.

If you are feeling the same, then I guess you could relate.


You must be thinking that the pain won’t ever subside; that it will stay for as long as you live. Yes, it will stay as long as you live if you won’t push it out of your life. It will wash away the happy core memories we treasured deep within. I understand it pinned us down, took away all our energy, suck the only living hope inside us. We are living in a harsh, f-cked up society and I admit that it’s not easy to find one’s self especially if you surround yourself with people who won’t do anything good, and who will only pull you down.

I understand that pain is as inevitable as taking a shower on a hot day. That in every aspect of life, there is pain, but let’s not forget that there is also joy. We have to balance both. I, myself, had been put through a deep pain that I almost thought it will never end, but then I looked up and found myself mourning on things that would soon be over.

You were badly hurt, I see. Every now and then, we need to be hurt to know that we are still alive; that our hearts are still capable of feeling, and of loving. You would only know that you’ve loved if you’ve been hurt, because the only people that can possibly damage us, are those who we truly care about. They are the only people who has the power to hurt us big time because they are the only same people who has the capability of making us truly happy.

You cried yourself to sleep, I know. I’ve been there too. I also tried holding back the tears but then failed so many times. Talked to God and questioned his plans for me, tried not to cry, tried not to feel down. But hold on, for pain ends. Maybe it’s his way of telling us that those aren’t the ones who will make you happy when time comes… there’s so much better in store for you.

You tried talking to someone but ended up feeling like you were only wasting your time. Maybe because you are surrounded by people who don’t truly care. Not everyone who asks are concern, some are just curious so be careful who you open up to. Better yet, find those people who will truly understand you. A few maybe, and that’s even better than a squad who doesn’t care, right? Quality over quantity, as what the saying goes. But never let the pain die in your heart without someone hearing it because it will never leave. It will stay there. Hatred, bitterness and hopelessness will wrap your soul, it will forever stay there because pain should be set free not to be kept. Sigmund Freud once said,

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in ugly ways.”

Don’t. Don’t close you heart out.

Stop thinking that you won’t ever find the happiness you are longing for. Start all over. It’s never too late to start over. To push out the negativity in your life and pull in good vibes. Accept that things probably unfolds that way to teach us lessons that might be useful in the future. Maybe it’s preparing us for a much harder battle and we need to be strong enough to face it and continue with our lives. When you thought that there’s no way out, God will find a way out. Always look to the brighter side of life.

I don’t have friends. No one loves me.

You have friends. You just have to find those true friends a couple or three is enough. Someone who’ll be there when you need them. Who will listen when you need to vent out, who’ll understand and accept you for who you really are.

You got hurt. Everyone else got hurt too. You need to wonder why they can still genuinely laugh their hearts out. Look forward into good things, imagine moments where your heart will overflow with happiness that tears would come out of your eyes. Do not build walls around you. Crash them down and fall free because we’ll never know if we’ll never try. The emotions and unexplainable feeling will always be charged to experiences.

Love, get hurt, cry a little, accept things that are bound to happen, and let the future unfold before your eyes, then it will start all over. We’ll start all over again.

Fresh, brand new, and much stronger.