Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Books, Entertainment, Family, friendship, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Travel, Writings

The Last Memory 1

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I pull up my blanket from half of my body up to my neck. Some rays of the sun peek through the small gaps of the blinds I installed when I moved into the apartment, warm on my face helping my body adjust to the cold temperature in my room. Last night, I conclude today to be my rest day and I know there is no stopping me. I savour the moment I have with my bed and my warm blanket than turns even cozier in the morning. I feel my throat burn from thirstiness, and then I remember how lazy I am last night, neglecting the need of my body for water. Right now, I can settle to the fact that I am a lazy-ass girl who can’t leave her bed for her own benefit. Well, blame my bed… and pillows… and blanket… and the weather itself. I wonder how possibly it could be that my bed is a lot more comfortable in the morning than it already is. I am just so grateful that it’s my rest day today.

I stare blankly at the plain white ceiling I re-painted weeks ago. I can’t deny the fact that I am badly missing my room back home—painted in pastel blue color, with my painting materials carefully arranged on the cabinet beside the window, Kara on the bunk bed going through the stack of books I have. I miss everything back home, but I have to deal with the choices I made. My doorbell ring for three times and I hesitate for a moment if I should stand up and get the door, or just ignore it away, but in the end, I shrug the laziness away, wrap the robe around my body and head for the door.

“Good day, Isabelle.” It is kind of appalling for me to see Mrs. Bloomberg behind the door holding up a tray with pancakes on it. Mrs. Bloomberg—a woman in her fifties—is my neighbour across our apartment who, by rumours, I learn that she is living alone for almost five years already.

I widen the door opening upon recognizing her face. “Hey, Mrs. Bloomberg, what can I do for you?” I ask flashing her a bright smile. Continue reading “The Last Memory 1”

Books, Entertainment, friendship, Leisure, Relationship, Romance, Teens

Beyond the Book Cover 05 | How I Lost You

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I’m not fastidious with books that I read. Whatever’s available when I finish a book, I would likely to start reading. First, because I don’t want to really feel the hollow in my chest whenever I realize that I am already at the last page of the book. It feels like it’s my last day as well. So, I eagerly start a book right after. Without having the chance to check out the overview of Janet Gurtler’s book, I quickly flipped over the table of contents and gave life to it.

I used to say that my cousins were my only true friends; they know every little bit about me, they’ve seen me grow, they watched me fall and get up, and they helped me through life. But then sometime in your life, you’ll meet that one person that will be your best friend—someone that somehow changed your life forever. The story is superb. It has every detail of a love for a true friend—unselfish, understanding, and kind. It got my heart twisted into endless knots, needing and badly wanting to change the way Grace treats Kya. No, Grace doesn’t treat Kya in a bad way, but Grace treats her very well that it often leads to Grace giving up things for her, very important things. She was so good and it’s not helping Kya grow up and stand on her own feet. Honestly, at first I was very reluctant to continue reading for a reason I don’t know, until I came to realize that maybe it was because I am under the same situation. I hate how Grace loves Kya because I can see myself in her. It was selfless and forgiving. It’s not healthy but then all I wanted is for her to find genuine happiness. Not that she is sad, but she’s not happy either. And I want her to feel it. It’s these things that some books lack. The way it made me feels extremes. Extreme happiness and sadness. And the most beautiful part of it is how Grace finally decided to let Kya go. One did their own thing without the other and they both learned how to live without having to depend on the relationship they had. I know this review states some of the opposites of friendship as positive and you wouldn’t understand… unless you read the book.

Continue reading “Beyond the Book Cover 05 | How I Lost You”

Books, Family, friendship, Lifestyle, Relationship, Teens, Writings

Worth

Dear self,

Today is not yet the time to give up on life. Just hold on a little tighter because there’s an earthquake that kind of shook your soul, but don’t give up just yet. You’ve seen better days and you know how it all look so bright, right? If you give up now, you won’t be able to see a whole new level of brightness that will soon come into your life. You don’t want to miss that, do you?

Go ahead and cry your heart out, until your eyes are all puffy from crying all night long. Yes, weep all you want. Go and cynically look at your life. But never ever forget your reason why you’ve come this far in life. It hurts. Pain supposed to hurt, right? I know you can get through this. I know you would understand. I know you can heal your own wounded heart. It may hurt you even more because the pain came from the least person you expect it to give, but then look at you, knowing all the reasons to push through with life after all the hardships that could crash your whole being.

You got hurt by words uttered, and I know how you are scarred forever, for the rest of your life. You did the right choice of staying silent and letting yourself just hear out the most painful words thrown at you instead of spitting some baneful words that could hurt them like how it was hurting you. You don’t want her to feel the same feeling you felt, right? It was bad. I know. And I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for my side but sometimes keeping silent can do so much more than bickering. You are strong, for once let’s claim it. You have to be strong. You know well enough that no one else would be there for you, except yourself.

I  don’t know why your mother could never give any appreciation on anything you do but never forget to believe in yourself. Please yourself, not others. Better your best. People would come to appreciate you even though that one person could never. And that’s fine. Othed people could love what you do, and appreciate what you love. I know that even though it’s only one person, she means a lot to you, but we all have to live in reality. We cannot make people understand us the way we need to be understood. So you have to gove credits to yourself too.

Love and believe in yourself. That way no one can change your worth. You’ve gone through so much already and I know you can get through this.

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Entertainment, Lifestyle, Romance, Teens

Beyond the Book Cover 02 | Fixing Delilah

Fixing Delilah

“Oh my gosh, okay. Stop. Crying.”

That’s it. That’s what I repeatedly told myself when I reached the last page of Sarah Ockler’s book, Fixing Delilah. I started reading it exactly a month ago, and I just finished it last night because I can’t finish a chapter or two without crying, and it’s making my eyes feel tired than it should be. At times, I need to stop reading to stop myself from crying like a pig. I usually don’t read overview of books except when the book’s genre isn’t really my interest, and Sarah Ockler’s books are the likes I would read in a heartbeat. What really caught my attention was its tagline on the book cover, ‘Family. It’s not always a perfect fit.’ I am soooooo sensitive when it comes to family matters. I tear easily when the topic is about family maybe because I was raised by family-oriented parents.

This book shot daggers through my heart because Delilah’s issues were solely about her mother; the ever heart breaking mother-daughter relationship. I was also kinda envious of her because even though they’ve grown apart, they can still say the most intimate words that I think I will never utter in front of my mother/father even in a hundred years. Delilah’s inhibitions were felt by most teenagers, even those who have good life; insecurities, fear, anger, guilt – everything. And by far, this is the book I can say that I can truly relate to. It made my chest twist into endless knots because of the love, anger, and guilt that I, too, felt against my mother. And there is nothing to compromise about it. It sucks that we kind of think very little of the big sacrifices they make for us when it’s all they could offer. The pain that I went through as I share the fear of Delilah touched my deepest soul and reminded me to be thankful even for the littlest of things. There were so many great lessons Sarah Ockler taught me with this book. And the best of all those is… ‘Family. It’s not always a perfect fit.’

So here are the quotes from this lovely book ever.


fix (n) 1: a position from which it is difficult to escape; a predicament  fix (v) 1: to repair something broken, damaged, or spoiled; to mend. 2: to make amends for something wrong 3: to restore a relationship by resolving a disagreement or rift

The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. Mom on working weekends: You’ve got to plant the seeds of hard work to reap the harvest of a satisfied client.

“But things aren’t different. She’s her and I’m me and surrounding us is an ocean of mess and misunderstanding, full of pirates and sharks just waiting to see who slips in first.”

“Aunt Rachel says that the universe is always trying to speak to us, and that the universe doesn’t waste time speaking about things that aren’t withing our direst power to influence or change.”

“He just drove away, and I walked on in the other direction, the distance between two points growing long and cold.”

“I want to shake her and scream and tell her that for all her hard work to secure our future, the snake plants in the foyer know more about my life than she does.”

“She wears it, like makeup – a paper-thin layer of unwavering resolve flaking away to reveal all the broken parts underneath.”

“It’s funny how someone can be such an integral part of your life, like you laugh at the same  jokes and eat your ice cream cones the same way and share your toys and dreams and everything but your heartbeats, and then one day–nothing. You share nothing. It’s like none of it ever happened.”

“A tiny crack in the previously solid understanding of one another. A crack to fissure. A fissure to a break. And then a gulf, big and empty and impossible to cross.”

“A thousand pounds of unspoken words keeping them apart.”

“There are times like now when I wish that he was here, that I could ask him what I should do, what I should say, how I should be.”

“Delilah Hannaford, you nearly broke my heart when you didn’t come back that summer.”

“I thought they’d last forever.”

“I don’t name the things that have gone unsaid between us for so long, but they’re here, rising up like steam in the heat of this place.”

“Don’t shut yourself off to new possibilities. But be mindful of the Fool, and don’t dive into anything with your eyes closed.”

“Everything is open to your interpretation.”

“Did I know she was hurting, even if I couldn’t name it?”

“…we’re as close as ever, but I know nothing lasts.”

“I know my dad always looks like he’s smiling, but on the inside, it’s like his life was frozen on the day she left.”

“She runs away from me and I’m her own daughter.”

“Everyone thinks it’s so awesome that I have all this freedom, but honestly, it kind of sucks. I’d rather have my mom around once in a while to bake cookies or bitch at me to turn down the music.”

“Bad things happen, I say. “But why does it have to erase all the good? You and Mom used to be so close. Same with me and Mom. I don’t know how everything got broken.”

“She’ll never understand the embarrassment of parent-teacher conference night when my mother asks to do hers over the phone. She’ll never know the sinking feeling of seeing my report card–back when it was still decent–unopened on the counter for weeks.”

Goose-bumps, holding-out-breath, lumps-in-our-throats, tears-in-our-eyes, all-we-need-is-love kind of sing.

“Maybe it has to do with being in my grandmother’s room, here among her ashes and the common things of the dead that become sacred, wanting so much for my mother to like me, to understand me, to mean what she says about me being happy and safe… I don’t want her to turn off the light. I don’t want us to go.”

“Stephanie falls headlong for Casey and begins to lose some of herself in the process.”

“Patrick’s show last week, hearing him sing as if it was for me alone, I understand how easy it would be for me to lose yourself in the heart of another. It’s frightening. Exhilarating. An ocean with no lifeguard.”

“How can anyone accept that someone once so vibrant, so alive, is never coming back?”

“They don’t demand. They don’t assume. They’re just… there. Wanting to know know us. There’s a word for these people.Sometimes I think I’m on the edge of some great understanding, looking up at all the answers I just can’t reach, like apples too high in the tree. But tonight, I stretch my fingers toward the sky, and I think I h#ave the answer. The word. Friends.”

“I was, but then I realized that I was holding on to something that didn’t exist anymore. That the person I missed didn’t exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we can wish they wouldn’t all day long, but that never works.”

“In your entire life, you can probably count your true friends on one hand. Maybe even on one finger. Those are the friends you need to cherish, and I wouldn’t trade one of them for a hundred of the other kind. I’d rather be completely alone than with a bunch of people who aren’t real. People who are just passing time.”

“Sometimes I wonder if my whole life will pass by this way: me waiting in the shadows, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone else to make it happen. Something new or different or crazy and amazing. I’ve been there for so long, letting everyone else figure it out for me, floating along without much direction or conscious thought. Reacting. Attention-seeking, Mom calls it. Impulsive. Reckless.”

“Unfortunately, when families fight, lots of people get caught in the tide. It was just one of those nights.”

“…and I wonder how much we don’t see. How much of our lives we witness and accept as truth when the rest of the iceberg–the heaviest, bulkiest part–is buried and invisible.”

“We all long for what could have been.”

“…and when he looks out over the crowd and winks at me, I know that of all the girls shouting and blowing kisses and dreaming about him tonight, I’m the one he’ll seek when the music fades; my hand is the one he’ll reach for when the lights go dark.”

“After all my time muddling in the past, the future seems like a foreign land in which I understand neither the language nor the culture, wanting nothing more than a one-way ticket back to the present.”

“Maybe some things really are that simple, and other things have a lot more layers, and the only thing that’s ours to accept is the fact that we don’t always get to know the answers.”

“I finally understand that it has never been about the secrets or the truth or the ghosts. I just miss my mother. I miss knowing how to make her smile. I miss being important in her life.”

“Mom’s face takes on an intensity that I don’t recognize; a pain I’ve never seen before in her eyes despite the long and troubled story of us. It makes me want to take her away from all of it, to become the mother just this once, to rock her until it’s okay again. All the times I hated Claire Hannaford Speaking, smile-as-you-dial, the constant buzzing of mobile communications devices, I’d give anything now for a call from her assistant. To see my mother clear her throat and shake it off and answer that phone, large and in charge.”

“…to remind me of everything that happened this summer; how easily some things can be broken for good and bad, and how some things, no matter how shattered, can still go back together. Like Moo, my family may never be as strong as it once was. There are chips and cracks and scars. But some of them can be repaired, piece by piece, rebuilt into something even more cherished and loved and unique. That’s what I’m working for now. That’s what I’m holding on to.”

Mother–she’s a human being, just like me. Frail and faulty and flawed, capable of making the most heinous mistakes and inflicting the most severe pain… but equally capable of the greatest love.


It’s a looooooong post now but… I can’t help it so whatever. And what captured my heart and soul was how Delilah tried her very best to reach out to her mother. She dug deeper to her family’s secret to know what else or how else to get in touch with her mother again. It’s truly heartbreaking to witness how a connection gets lost even when you’re living under the same roof and it’s all because of the lack of communication. We need to remind ourselves that the only way to make a relationship healthy is to keep the communication. And there are so many ways to do that. Just, keep communicating. Sometimes the only way to save sanity of a person is to let them let go of the things that are pulling them down, drowning their souls with depression.

Please, please, if you haven’t read this book, read it. Open your mind with the circumstances Delilah had gone through, and you will surely realize and understand so many things. Enjoy guys! *wipes tears*

-A

P.S.: Thank you so much for this book, Sarah Ockler. Thank you, thank you.

Rate: 10/10

Lifestyle

ALL OVER AGAIN

I honestly feel sad for people who are hurting or who have been hurt by such circumstances and have given up finding happiness again. Those who closed their hearts to someone or something that could’ve given them the joy their hearts lack. I can’t blame them, though. As John Green said, “That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” Maybe the pain demanded more from them. It ate their hearts out to the point where they’d turned their backs to the possibility of finding it again.

If you are feeling the same, then I guess you could relate.


You must be thinking that the pain won’t ever subside; that it will stay for as long as you live. Yes, it will stay as long as you live if you won’t push it out of your life. It will wash away the happy core memories we treasured deep within. I understand it pinned us down, took away all our energy, suck the only living hope inside us. We are living in a harsh, f-cked up society and I admit that it’s not easy to find one’s self especially if you surround yourself with people who won’t do anything good, and who will only pull you down.

I understand that pain is as inevitable as taking a shower on a hot day. That in every aspect of life, there is pain, but let’s not forget that there is also joy. We have to balance both. I, myself, had been put through a deep pain that I almost thought it will never end, but then I looked up and found myself mourning on things that would soon be over.

You were badly hurt, I see. Every now and then, we need to be hurt to know that we are still alive; that our hearts are still capable of feeling, and of loving. You would only know that you’ve loved if you’ve been hurt, because the only people that can possibly damage us, are those who we truly care about. They are the only people who has the power to hurt us big time because they are the only same people who has the capability of making us truly happy.

You cried yourself to sleep, I know. I’ve been there too. I also tried holding back the tears but then failed so many times. Talked to God and questioned his plans for me, tried not to cry, tried not to feel down. But hold on, for pain ends. Maybe it’s his way of telling us that those aren’t the ones who will make you happy when time comes… there’s so much better in store for you.

You tried talking to someone but ended up feeling like you were only wasting your time. Maybe because you are surrounded by people who don’t truly care. Not everyone who asks are concern, some are just curious so be careful who you open up to. Better yet, find those people who will truly understand you. A few maybe, and that’s even better than a squad who doesn’t care, right? Quality over quantity, as what the saying goes. But never let the pain die in your heart without someone hearing it because it will never leave. It will stay there. Hatred, bitterness and hopelessness will wrap your soul, it will forever stay there because pain should be set free not to be kept. Sigmund Freud once said,

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in ugly ways.”

Don’t. Don’t close you heart out.

Stop thinking that you won’t ever find the happiness you are longing for. Start all over. It’s never too late to start over. To push out the negativity in your life and pull in good vibes. Accept that things probably unfolds that way to teach us lessons that might be useful in the future. Maybe it’s preparing us for a much harder battle and we need to be strong enough to face it and continue with our lives. When you thought that there’s no way out, God will find a way out. Always look to the brighter side of life.

I don’t have friends. No one loves me.

You have friends. You just have to find those true friends a couple or three is enough. Someone who’ll be there when you need them. Who will listen when you need to vent out, who’ll understand and accept you for who you really are.

You got hurt. Everyone else got hurt too. You need to wonder why they can still genuinely laugh their hearts out. Look forward into good things, imagine moments where your heart will overflow with happiness that tears would come out of your eyes. Do not build walls around you. Crash them down and fall free because we’ll never know if we’ll never try. The emotions and unexplainable feeling will always be charged to experiences.

Love, get hurt, cry a little, accept things that are bound to happen, and let the future unfold before your eyes, then it will start all over. We’ll start all over again.

Fresh, brand new, and much stronger.