Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Photography

My Film Camera (yay!)

I actually promised to immediately blog my first film camera ever but (as usual) I didn’t. I honestly had a lot of time since then but I opted to rest instead. There are even times when I would finally open my laptop and blog about it but I always end up doing and checking other things instead. I can still remember that I bought my camera October 1, 2016, Saturday. I know because my nephew was born the day before.

Anyway, I originally opted to buy online from a trusted seller. I already reserved the camera I wanted to buy but when I texted Mang Danny, one of the few sellers of film cameras in Hidalgo, he told me that there were new cameras delivered to him. I immediately told my cousin the news and he said that we should go take a look at it and see what fortune we have. Right after my Saturday class, we met at Carrriedo station and headed to Mang Danny’s stand. He was wearing his usual beaming smile and gleaming eyes. I knew how cheap his cameras are because when I first went to his stand, he was handing me a Canon AE-1 for only 2,500php. That’s a steal! I can haggle for a lower price, I know, because I will be buying my film from him too. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy it because I thought it would still be there when I go back. But it wasn’t there anymore. He said that MMA (Multimedia Arts) students from different Universities went to Hidalgo to scout for a good steal, then POOF! I missed the chance.

Now about my camera, I managed to buy an Asahi Pentax SL for 2,200php. It was 10/10 in cosmetics and its lenses were fine. I won in convincing my cousin to buy the other camera that was Asahi Pentax SII for the same price. Mang Danny presented me the SII first but my cousin wanted it so we exchanged. No biggie. I bought a fresh roll of Kodak Colorplus 200 while my cousin bought a Fujicolor Superia 200 from the Fujifilm kiosk in Hidalgo. The only downside of our camera was its lack of light meter. I realized how essential it was for beginners like us but out of eagerness and excitement, I forget to ask for a camera that has its own light meter. Pinterest and google articles had been helpful to me. I managed to finish my first roll with the Sunny Rule 16 as my wallpaper and with the help of a light meter app. The only problem is that I’m not sure if my light meter was accurate. Bahala na. Click lang ng click. Advance. Click.

Now because of my lazy ass that keeps giving excuses, I haven’t made any effort to take my first film to a developer. It was quite pricey so if you can recommend somewhere near Manila where it is possible to have my film develop for less than 95php and scan it for less than 150php, hit me up in the comment section!

That’s all for now. I swear I will take my film to a developer and have it scanned so I can share it with you guys.

Ciao!

♥,

A

Ambivert Life, Restaurants

Home of the Dream Puffs

It’s that time of the year again… Christmas! Yay! We only have 36 days left before the most anticipated holiday (here in the Philippines, of course). Beautiful lights all throughout the long stretch of houses twinkling like stars reminding us that indeed, it is the time again. I haven’t bought anything for Christmas yet, mainly because of the load of works we currently have in our school. And going out during the weekends seemed impossible for me because I have classes during Saturdays. Basically, my only time to rest is Sunday. But sometimes, Sunday means a day to finish projects and papers that I will probably cram if I won’t do it right now.

Anyway, yesterday, as I was really exhausted by all the things that I’ve done and have yet to do, I craved for cream puffs! When I was waaaay younger, my aunt will buy these average-sized with melts-in-your-mouth-goodness cream puffs from I-don’t-know-the-name bakery. It basically stayed that way until yesterday. I kept bugging my mom to buy cream puffs, not the one Monde (a local brand I think), but the one we used to eat back in the day. So we asked my aunt where it was located. And much to my surprise, it’s just around the town! Now after meeting up with someone, we went back home and eagerly went to now-I-know-the-name-of-the-bakery Mabini Home Bakeshop. It can easily be found; just along the street of A. Mabini. It stood there for about 50 years now. I think that they started baking 1966; haven’t closed since then.

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The exterior pretty much reminded me of Becky’s Kitchen in P. Ocampo (used to be Vito Cruz), and it is also just along the street; to where we always buy my mom’s favourite Caramel Cake, and Chocolate Fudge Cake which I am currently munching.

While the interior of the bakeshop reminds me of Café Mary Grace.

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We aren’t aware that there are tables and chairs where you can dine in. I wasn’t prepared at all and didn’t think that I wanted to blog about it until we started devouring our ordered foods. Continue reading “Home of the Dream Puffs”

Entertainment, Romance, Teens

10 Things I Want From You

I want you to look at me in the eyes

to hug me from behind

to kiss me goodnight

to make me your confidante

and to hold my hand so tight

I want you to make me the reason behind your smile

to sing for me even if you can’t

to make me your only one, not number one

and to go to church with me

Lastly, I want you to need me the way I need you because I would gladly oblige to be with you every time of every day. Be your best friend, your sister, your lover, and of course, your other half. Be the girl to complete your existence, to fill the abyss in your soul, and to walk with you through the rocky roads because no matter how many times our relationship might fail, I know deep within holding on and fighting for this will be worth it, always.

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