I wish I’m good at something

Ambivert Life, Family, Relationship, Teens, Writings

The past few days, I’ve been feeling a lot—but not in a positive way. You know how you feel things but don’t exactly know what you’re feeling? Not sad, but not happy either. That’s exactly what it feels like standing in the grey area. I’m mostly uncertain about a lot of things: myself, my life, my choices, my path, my friends, and my family. The only I’m most certain of is my creator.

I’ve been watching so many people for the last years, and I listened to them for most of the time. Each opinion I’ve heard but none of them seemed interested to know what’s mine. So I keep asking myself: why wasn’t I talented enough? Why am I mediocre? Why can’t I do things good?

All these people surrounding me have at least one thing they’re good at. I mean, there’s at least one thing I should be really good at doing, right? But I don’t. And as much as I want to say and believe people who tell me that I have—I don’t. And that’s the truth. For twenty years, I’ve been trying to find that one thing but to no avail.

My voice isn’t angelic, the sound of the piano keys don’t echo across the room when I press it, the vibrant colors of my artworks are all but dull, and in everything that I do, I think there’s always something lacking; something that doesn’t fit. So I try to hold on to words and maybe if I have enough, people would know me. For the things I write, for the poems I make, and for all the emotions I keep bottled inside.

People don’t understand it when all you have are mediocre talents. Like you can paint but you need a guide to make everything look pleasing to the eyes; you can sing but not be able to touch other people’s hearts; you can be good but not good enough that people remember you for it. It’s frustrating… and depressing—not being able to afford to be known for something you’re truly good at.

And while I try to hold on to words—mine and others who inspire me—I try to stop my soul from sinking in a deep hole because when I do, I know no one would rescue. In the end, I’ll still be rescuing myself. In the end, it’s still going to be my fault why I sank in that hole. And I wish more people would understand that it’s not that I just don’t see my capabilities. I can actually see it. It’s just that it’s not enough.. for me, or for anyone.

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lost love

Entertainment, Leisure, poem, Relationship, Romance, Writings

The sound of your voice brings me comfort I never knew existed. We barely see each other and we only get to hang out after months or years of not seeing each other. But we talk. We talk about so many things; our problems, the universe, celebrities, politics, songs—almost… just almost about everything.

I fell in love with the way you see the world.
Your eyes hold so much more than what people can see when they look at you.
Your voice—it’s soothing that it can utter words so kind the entirety of human existence can come clean from all the bullshits it has.
Your hair, disarrayed after you’ve lain in your bed for most of the time looks so good that I badly wanted to run my fingers on it again and again.
Your lips that hang slightly open as you listen to what I say make me want to nibble it so bad.

I fell in love with the way people treat you like someone so strong yet so soft.
Your words can go harsh for as long as you want but your heart shines through it the moment we talk about all the things you love.
Your breath that smells mint and smoke got me intoxicated and nearly drowning.
Your hands—rough and soft, ran through mine nonchalantly that it sent shivers down to my spine and you weren’t aware of the effect you have on me.

Four Seasons – A poem

Entertainment, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

I was waiting for you
Until the sun shone,
The people flocked on the beach,
And my hopes were all dried up

I was waiting for you
Until the drizzle came,
Turned into a hurricane,
Wiped all my tears away

I was waiting for you
Until the leaves fell,
The ground brown and well,
But I was alone and much couldn’t tell

I was waiting for you
Until the first snow fell
Christmas carols were everywhere
Yet my hands were cold with my heart freezing with sadness

I was done waiting for you
Then all of a sudden
You were there