Ambivert Life, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Writings

Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Books, Photography, poem, Relationship, Romance, Teens, Writings

Five Years Later, 1826 Days After

in that same coffee shop

that witnessed what could have been,

what should have been;

came the day they sat across each other

feeling the strong nostalgia,

killing the dreams they both made

when they finally decided to go separate ways.

she was looking through his eyes

trying to remember what it looked like

when it was still wearing the spark they both shared.

he held her gaze

trying so hard to swallow the fact

that he lost the only one that truly matters.

and they both wander in each other’s mind

asking the same questions they have last time they were there,

‘what happened to us?’

five years later, they met up

and she finally spoke her mind

“we’ve grown apart.”

it also took him 1826 days to finally say the words

“yes, because I screwed up.”

he saw remorse in his eyes

she wanted to ease him

except that she won’t

she won’t come running back to him anymore

because five years later, she learned how to love herself

more than she loves him;

because 1,826 days after

she realized she was doing a lot better without him.

five years later, 1,826 days after…

He realized he lost the love of his life.

Books, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Relationship, Teens, Uncategorized

Fragmentary

It’s not in my character to mind such hurtful words thrown at me; not since I can remember. Maybe I was too caught up with wanting to make a better version of myself that I didn’t have time to spare even a minute to contemplate on the negative people surrounding me. But then, life could be so tough that even when you don’t want to give a damn anymore, it will still push you to your limits. And for some odd reason, this is the time for me.

No. I’m not good at handling these kinds of situations since it doesn’t often get to me.

No. I’m not numb not to feel anything anymore. Even though I can dismiss the thought of pain, it doesn’t mean that it’s not hurting me. I am human. The ironic thing about pain is, it makes me feel so alive, but it slowly kills me from the inside out.

Yes. Havoc is a constant reminder of how much more is in store for me in the future, but I couldn’t just neglect the feelings that could slowly rip me apart into million tiny pieces when I haven’t finished rejuvenating my soul that long lost its chastity and innocence from this deadly society.

Yes. I understand how people could be so insensitive at times but… can’t they just… for once just shut their mouths up?

No. I don’t understand how they could not see me as a vulnerable little kid wanting to be saved from the destruction waiting for me.

Yes. I needed saving – saving from people who doesn’t get me, from the ones who keep looking at me like a rock that can stand the test of time; a rock nobody cared about, neglected, and unkempt.

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