Now I’m Letting You Know

I’ve been having a hard time coping up with life lately and I wish they knew that. The problem is, nobody had ever asked, not a single one, if I was okay or if how I was doing lately. They never ask and I never wanted to tell. I never want to feel like bothering someone because life hadn’t been so smooth for me. But this is what I feel. I feel like I’m about to break down every time I’m trying to tell a funny story and nobody ever wanted to listen. I feel like I’ve been a shitty person for my whole life just because I said ‘no’, once. I feel like a total crap whenever I would come home after an exhausting day at school only to have my mother shout at me because I had made the house untidy.

I’ve always loved going home. In fact, I was always looking forward to it the whole semester. I wanted to spend time with them but not today. They never wondered why I always wanted to stay in bed and sleep. They said I was lazy. I wasn’t. I was empty. I was crying. I was trying to fight sadness. And this is the first time I’m ever admitting that. It’s depressing.

There are too many things I can do to let this all out. Paint, write, read… but all I have inside of me is hollowness. What do I do with that? Our house welcomes everyone and it feels like our life was an open book, but mine never was maybe because I’m too young to be dealing something too much for me. Well, honestly, it kills me to think that I’d rather be literally alone than in a full house where I feel like I’m alone.

I’m anxious about my future. Everything was okay. Until I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I sit everyday face to face with my family while we eat dinner and my mom would say from time to time, “I hope you have a good job. So you can send your brother to a good school.” They didn’t know how restless it made me feel. I’m so scared of failing them again. I’m so scared of life that nothing is going in my mind anymore. My cousins were graduating and I’m still stuck in college with two years left. And it’s terrifying that I actually on have two years to sort out my life. They were doing great with their OJTs and I would hear my mother talk about them with so much glee that I’d never heard her talk about me. I’m so insecure that my future and every little decision that I make is scaring me.

A lot of my friends were saying that I have a good family. Well, indeed I have. But this is the other side of that goodness. It was never good to be intimidated to talk about your insecurities with them. It was never good to hear them say stupid things to you instead of listening to you when you already have the courage to talk to them. It’s never good to feel anxious just by hearing them call your name.

So I’m letting you know: I’m not okay. I don’t feel happy. And your insensitive remarks about my failures don’t make me feel better at all. I don’t want to be sad, but I am. I keep trying to find a place for me but I can’t seem to find where I fit perfectly. It honestly feels like there is no place for me. Putting all the blame in me doesn’t make it any better.

For the first time in a while, I badly wanted to be in a peaceful environment. I can’t even remember when was the last time I felt the delight of going home to be home rather to sleep. And I think home quite lost its essence because of the atmosphere inside it. There’s just too much bickering, frowning, and blaming. Now I’m letting you know, it doesn’t quite cost too much to be kind to someone. Laughter doesn’t always come with happiness.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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Next To You

Hundreds and thousands of things had been in my mind throughout the day. You called and told me to come to your house because you wanted to see me and spend some time with me. There, we talked about the most mundane things to the most important ones. I haven’t felt the weariness that I have felt before coming to you. The day ended too fast meaning I have to go home, but you didn’t let me. You told me to stay and sleep there instead. I said yes, too tired to argue.

I rested on your bed after fixing myself, stared at your plain white ceiling trying to answer questions that had been running in my head – why did I come here with just one phone call? Why am I too tired to go home? The questions I keep asking myself are leading me to the highest heights of denial.


I miss you, yet can’t bring myself to admit it.


How many times did I wish to lay down with someone I love? How many times did I daydream about staying up until four in the morning talking about things? How many times did I ask myself the same questions over and over again?

You lied down beside me and stared at your ceiling too. We talked and talked until you finally fell asleep, faster than what I imagined. I stared at your face – your lashes, your brows, your lips. Everything about you is mesmerizing and I can’t help but smile at myself.

I turned my back from you, trying to keep my feelings to myself. I can’t seem to be sleepy even after a tiring day because my body is fully aware that you are lying beside me. Then you wrapped your arms around me. I closed my eyes trying to savor the moment for I know it won’t last long. You were asleep and you didn’t know what you were doing. I was awake and I know exactly what I’m feeling. Continue reading